Not everyone in this world was born lucky enough to have a developed set of social skills, some people, like me, were born socially retarded and as such often find themselves in awkward social situations wishing they could crawl into a hole somewhere.
Take the following example for instance, I get invited by a good buddy to a ‘crazy pants’ party he’s throwing at his digs one lazy Saturday afternoon. We’ll call him Irish. Now besides Irish, I only know one other person going to the crazy pants party, Action Jackson, and as fate would have it I chose that particular afternoon to return Action’s giant green dildo (with suction cup for added, er, suction?).
Now don’t get me wrong, the dildo belongs to Action’s company, they sell sex toys as a side business and the green dildo, or the Incredible Hulk as he affectionately became known, was dropped off as a joke by Action at our offices when he visited once.
The Incredible Hulk sat on my desk for nearly three weeks and I’ll be honest, it unnerved me. At first I fixed it proudly to my desk, other people in the office thought it was funny and laughed nervously when I showed them, but after three or four days of staring at it out the corner of my eye, I lay it flat instead, but that hardly improved the situation.
It was just so… real. No guy wants to stare at a dick all day (unless maybe it’s his own) and so I threw the Incredible Hulk in my boot with the intention of returning it to Action at the crazy pants party.
The next day rolled along and a genius idea struck me. I would wear the Incredible Hulk to the crazy pants party! I would open my fly and poke it out there – how crazy is THAT?!
I still think it was a pretty damn hilarious move, but I’d made one crucial, schoolboy error. I’d forgotten that basically I was going to a party where I knew no one.
And so, when I made my big arrival and marched proudly onto the porch where everyone was chilling, the Incredible Hulk flapping thick and long out my trouser front, I was not greeted by the peals of laughter and shoulder clapping ‘nice one dude’s, but rather by a patio full of completely sober people staring in puzzlement at the prosthetic dick hanging out of my jeans.
‘Is that yours?’ one of the guys asked me and immediately I felt myself go beet red. It had never even crossed my mind that they would fix a personal pronoun to my faux cheloger. To paraphrase fight club, I thought they would see it as ‘a’ dildo, not ‘my’ dildo.
I stammered my way through some kind of explanation, but I don’t think anyone bought it. They probably all refer to me as the ‘dildo guy’ now. Very smooth, very slick tiger.
But enough idle banter, with no further ado, here’s my list of Halloween do’s and don’ts so that the more socially retarded of us can survive the evening.
RULE NO. 1 – For God’s Sake Dress Up As Something
As a universal rule, people appreciate it when you make an effort at dress up parties. You don’t have to be the coolest dressed guy there, nor do you have to put hours of hard work into your costume, but arriving at the party dressed as a ‘Hardy Boy’ is not going to get you one ounce of respect.
See, when everyone is dressed up and looking crazy, they have a tendency to be a little self conscious at the beginning of the night and won’t hesitate to point you out to their buddies and say, ‘Fuck, look at that jerk, what a rad costume’ in order to make themselves feel better about wearing their mom’s pantyhose in public.
Don’t be that guy. For God’s sake, dress up as something. If you don’t feel like being the centre of attention, go for the traditional pirate/ninja/mexican get-up. You won’t get any points for originality, but at least you won’t be the butt of the guy-who-came-with-a-sheet-over-his-head’s jokes.
RULE NO. 2 – There is no such thing as too far
Halloween is one of those rare occasions where you really can go balls to the wall when choosing your get up, but just be sure you’re ready to handle the attention this will probably get you.
If you have the confidence to pull it off, I say go all out. Get a pink tutu a black fedora hat, a green and red striped T-shirt, stick a couple of knives to a glove and go as a cross-dressing Freddy Kruger.
The sky’s the limit and like I said before, people will appreciate the effort and if you can make them laugh at the same time, that’s a huge plus.
RULE NO. 3 – Never forget that no matter how cool or freaky it might look if you put fake blood / oozing wounds / fake burns all over your face, you’re not going to get any ass
I think this rule pretty much explains itself.
Back in varsity we threw a MASSIVE Halloween party and even managed to organise a metal band to rock out at our digs. It was a huge success and people had a killer time. A lot of girls told us the party was awesome and my buddy Graumpot and I really thought we would get some ass, but we didn’t, and it wasn’t until the next day that we figured out why.
We went as vampires. Good idea. We dressed up in smart suits and looked pretty suave. Also a good idea. But to add the finishing touch, we filled our mouths with red food colouring and dribbled the whole lot down our chins and all over the front of our white shirts.
If you want to get ass at a Halloween party, proceed directly to the next rule. A rule I like to call ‘Rule No. 5’
RULE NO. 5 – Dress up goofy / cute / funny and you will get ass
To illustrate rule number five, I’d like to use the following picture taken at Hugh Heifner’s Playboy Mansion Halloween Party ‘09:
See that guy in the Scooby Doo outfit? He is going to get laid and he knows it. All he needs is to be able to do a half-decent Scooby Doo impression and he’s in there.
Any girl, when faced with the dark and brooding zombie-dude lurking on the dance floor, or the fun and loveable Scooby Doo-guy who’s costume is furry and adorable, is going to go for good ‘ol Scoobs.
And that, my friends, is a fact. So if you want ass at this year’s Halloween party, go for adorable rather than scary. The kind of guys that scare girls into bed are not cool. It’s like the Sun and the Wind story.
One day the Wind saw a hottie walking with a scarf wrapped around her neck.
‘I’ll bet I can make that hottie lose her scarf’ said the Wind to the Sun.
‘Ok,’ said the Sun, ‘do your worst.’
So the wind blew as hard as he fucking could, and you know what happened? The hottie clutched her scarf even tighter.
‘You done?’ the Sun asked eventually.
‘Yeah…’ said the Wind, ‘fuck, that looked different in my head…’
At that, the Sun shone as strong as he could and after about 10 minutes the hottie lost her scarf. About 10 minutes after that the hottie took her top off too, and her jeans. Then about 10 minutes after that she slowly and seductively unclasped her bra and slid her panties off her curvaceous hips…
Um… sorry, where the fuck was I?
Oh yeah – be funny and adorable and you’ll get ass. End of story.
RULE NO. 6 – Halloween is no time to indulge in any kind of hallucinogenic drugs
Another rule that pretty much explains itself, and let’s face it, it’s not the 60s, I don’t think many people do hallucinogenics anymore really. But just on the off chance that a buddy procures some ‘shrooms or a little acid to get freaky on Halloween, DON’T DO IT.
Psychotropics are difficult enough to handle without every kind of creepy ghoul imaginable wandering around the place like something out of a nightmare you had once when you were six.
Leave Lucy in the sky with diamonds and stick with good ‘ol booze.
RULE NO. 7 – A rule for the ladies
There’s only really one rule if you’re a lady and you’re going to a Halloween party, be as sexy as humanly possible. I’m talking french maid outfits, I’m talking catsuits, policelady suits, female samurai suits, the golden rule here is less is more and fishnets and stilettos are a definite yes.
Stay the hell away from the fake blood bottle, and for the love of sweet baby Jesus, don’t try and dress scary. Scary is a no.
Stick with sexy and you’ll be just fine.
That about does it for my Halloween do’s and don’ts for social retards, and I’m really glad we’ve had this chat, and I think you’re gonna be just fine, in fact, you’ll be better than fine, you’ll be fucking incredible.
Go get ‘em tiger