Archive for the 'Tiger Guides' Category


100s Club – It’s AWN!

This weekend we man the fuck up.



We don’t sit around wrapped up in our adorable little scarves with our ironic T-shirts, skinny jeans and quaint hats, fuck no!

We don’t listen to arty-farty indie folk bands and smoke our medium shag rolleys whilst talking about some obscure bistro we found that serves the best aubergine pate we’ve EVER tasted, fuck no!

This weekend we batten down the fucking hatches with a case of quarts, that’s right, QUARTS motherfuckers, and we grow a pair of fucking huge, hairy, ugly BALLS!

So get some dirty overalls, break out the Motörhead and prepare yourselves.

We’re joining the 100s club Winking smile


The Rules

1. You drink one shot of beer every minute for 100 consecutive minutes
2. If you pee, it’s game over
3. If you vom, it’s game over

It’s genius in it’s simplicity, but getting this one right ain’t as easy as it sounds. Listen up, the following information will make or break your 100s club attempt, trust me, I’ve done this twice and the first attempt WAS NOT pretty.



A little advice before we begin from your Tiger pal:

  • Hit the liquor store. A shot is 30mls so 30mls x 100 minutes = 3000mls = 3litres. That’s right, you’re going to drink 3 litres of beer in just under two hours. Imagine inserting a beer drip directly into your arm and letting it drip continuously into your blood stream for 100 minutes because that’s pretty much EXACTLY what 100s Club is like
  • A quart is 750mls so 4 and you’re all set, but definitely get 5 to compensate for spillage
  • Also, stock up on as many plastic shot glasses as possible while you’re there, I’d recommend at least 20 per person, I’ll tell you why later
  • Give yourself about 40 mins before you start to wring your bladder dry and DO NOT drink anything. Depending on your constitution you should be able to handle the 100 shots without chundering, but you’ll probably need to piss so bad you’ll end up tying a knot in your dick to try and relieve the strain on your internal organs
  • Get a tray, lay all the shot glasses out and start filling them up before you start. This will save your fucking life. The flatter the beer the less chance you’ll end up like me the first time I tried this. I got the 100 shots down in 100 minutes but the second the last one was down I sprinted to the bathroom and puked foam. I’ve never felt so bloated in my entire goddamn life! My stomach had turned into a gigantic, badly poured 3 litre draft because the buddy I did it with and I only had two shot glasses, don’t make that mistake
  • Appoint a referee, someone to keep time who can put up with you at your very drunkest and won’t be tempted to get hammered themselves. Without one, by the time you’re 50 shots in the game will have already degenerated into a beer-fuelled nightmare of “Whassa fuckin’ TIME man?! Aren’t we supposto havanother shot now?” and “I don’ mean thisina fucking GAY way oranything man, but I love you dude, ok?” No. Not okay. A referee is non-negotiable
  • Don’t make any fucking plans. You do not want to be seen in public once your 100 minutes are up because trust me, it will get messy and if you even CONSIDER getting behind a wheel, I will track you down and beat you so hard you’ll be shitting teeth for a WEEK



That, gentlemen, is the mission this weekend. I’m going to tell you straight up that I won’t be joining you on this one because for one I’m too fucking poor to splurge out on anything that isn’t crucial to my basic survival and for two, after getting my 100s club wings twice, I think I have sclerosis.

Good luck out there. And if you do decide to attempt it, be sure to take as many pics as possible to prove it and send them to Uncle Slick. You’ll instantly get an honourable mention on the site and all the goddamn glory you can handle.

Make me proud you sick basterds.

Make me proud Winking smile



Awesome Stray Cat Recipe

So yeah.

As you may have read in my posts here and here, J-Rab and I are struggling a bit at the moment to make ends meet.

It’s sad really, when I consider how much I fucking hate poor people, that I ironically seem to have become one.

There was a time when I couldn’t decide whether to blow my extra cash on extravagant trips overseas to exotic locales or invest it in prime beach-front real estate, it was a tough call and really used to stress me out.



Well, I’m glad to say that those stressful days are over. Now I scrape every cent I have together to just try make rent every month and beg the rest from kind people at the intersection of Roeland and Buitenkant.

However, you’ll be pleased to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel now that I have discovered one of the best kept secrets in affordable cuisine – stray cats!

The idea came to me when I stumbled on the vacant lot behind the Waterfront R10 parking one evening, right as the animal rescue people arrived to feed the literally thousands of stray cats that live there.



Naturally I begged to be fed some of the delicious cat food as well, not because I’m turning into a fokken prawn, but rather because it sure as hell beats eating YOUR week-old garbage.

The animal shelter people turned their noses up in disgust when I approached them and refused to make eye contact when I humbly asked for some delicious, crunchy dry cat food to get me through the night.

It was a new low for me and for a moment I hated those lucky stray cats, but the moment soon passed because like me, they were loveable in a mangy sort of way and they smelled delicious!

I lured one of them back to my flat with a brick and a plastic bag I fished out of a dumpster and got to work preparing this awesome, cost-effective meal:


Stray cat and lentil soup




1 x Stray cat (tabbies work best, but failing that a nice ginger cat will do. For God’s sake DON’T go for a Siamese, they have a very low meat:bone ratio)
1 x Chicken stock cube
1 x Bag of red lentils
50g shredded ginger
1 x lemon (squeezed)
1 x bottle of Old Brown’s Sherry


Dice cat-meat into small cubes and soak in half a bottle of Old Brown’s Sherry to disinfect and flavour it while you drink the other half of the bottle to keep warm.

Boil up a pot of water, add the lentils and chicken stock cube and allow it to simmer for 40 mins. Add the cat meat right after along with the ginger and juice from the lemon and allow to simmer for as long as your relentless hunger will allow.

Ladle the soup into a tin bowl and slurp it down, making sure to dribble some into your matted beard for a snack later.

Et voila!

A word of warning though, I got first dibs on the cats behind the Waterfront. If I catch any of you greasy basterds down there helping yourselves to my stash, so help me God, I’ll jab a rusty screwdriver in you faster than you can shout “Help! A bergie’s trying to kill me!”



Ain’t life peachy.



Rock The Met Right

Without getting into too much detail, I’m working closely with the J&B Met this year which has been a mind-blowingly intense experience so yes, you can touch me and no, I don’t have free tickets for you.

This morning we were behind the scenes at the Expresso show that was being shot where something like 40 couples rocked up at 5 this morning dressed in their Met finery in the hope that they’d get chosen for automatic entry into both the main marquee and the Most Elegant Couple competition on the day.

If you’re headed to the Met and are wondering what the hell to wear, be cool. Your Tiger pal got a few pics of the couples this morning because I care about you and don’t want to have to call security because your meat dress is dripping.







So yeah, that’s the general vibe. What am I wearing you ask? Well the theme’s “larger than life” so I’ll be rocking the following:



Later party people.



The SlickTiger Guide To Raising Baby Humans

Recently I’ve noticed that a lot of people around me, friends, family work colleagues, etc. are breeding at an alarming rate. I attribute this to the general decline in quality TV programming and the decision-impairing properties of hard liquor.

Add to that potent mix the proliferation of lewd sexual material in the mainstream media and the decline in morality suffered as a result of that, and conditions for breeding baby humans start to look very favourable indeed.



And so I decided to write a step-by-step guide on raising, feeding and caring for baby humans. In this way I hope to help people who are either currently raising baby humans, or still growing them inside their wombs, waiting for the miracle that occurs as the foetus descends into the pelvic cavity and its head and shoulders pass through the bony ring of the pelvis, much like a bowling ball through a balloon knot.


Step one: Environment

The first thing you’re going to want to secure before you bring your baby human home is a suitable environment.

As a rule of thumb, a 48 to 53cm baby human should be kept in a 55 gallon tank. This will allow the baby human enough room to run around and exercise and yet not have to run too far to catch its dinner.

As the baby human grows, so should its enclosure. I would recommend no smaller than a 70 gallon tank once the baby human has grown to 70-80cms and a 180 gallon tank once it has grown to 100-150cms.



Most baby human shops should stock a varied selection of bedding for your baby human, but I would strongly recommend taking my advice when it comes to the following items:


  • Baby human bark / bedding: This is definitely not a good idea. Crickets and other smaller insects that are high in nutrition for your baby human can hide under the bark, resulting in your baby human not getting its full meal. Another major reason is that the baby human could ingest a piece of the bark, which could result in uncomfortable stool.
  • Sandpit sand: I have found this to be both an affordable and practical form of bedding for baby humans. Simply ‘scoop’ the baby human’s fecal matter off the sand and replace as necessary.
  • Newspaper / Paper: This is a great idea if you are concerned about ease of cleaning and cost. It’s not the ‘prettiest’ set up for your baby human’s enclosure, but it works well.
  • Straw: Another great material to line your baby human’s tank with. The straw retains heat well and can easily be arranged into a comfortable ‘nest’ for your baby human.


Step two: Diet

Feeding your baby human will require you to handle all manner of food stuffs including raw vegetation, insects, and small mice.

Baby humans are omnivores, meaning they will eat veggies and small animals. Insects, however, should definitely be a daily staple of your baby human’s diet should you want it to grow up strong and healthy, with a robust exoskeleton.



I would highly recommend feeding your baby human a combination of the following:


  • Bugs: The size of the insects you feed your baby human is extremely important. All food that is offered should be smaller in width than your baby human’s beak. Larger food items could get easily lodged in the baby human’s digestive tract, causing uncomfortable stool.
  • Veggies: There is a huge selection of ‘leafy’ greens which are high in calcium to feed your baby human, such as kale, argula, collard & mustard greens, parsley, dandelion greens and flowers. If you take your baby human outside or allow it to run around the house (though I wouldn’t recommend it) do be sure to check that no leafy vegetation in or around the house is poisonous. Baby humans have a voracious appetite and will eat anything mildly enticing, this also applies to any drapery you might own, wooden furniture or shoes.
  • Live baby mice: Live baby mice are an excellent source of protein for growing baby humans, but please note the mice must be fed live. Dead baby mice will not move around enough to attract the baby human’s attention as its eyes are only capable of detecting movement and they only see in the colours purple, green, red and black.
  • Water: Baby humans should be sprayed twice daily on their heads, which stimulates the natural way they would drink water in the wild, namely by lapping up the drops of dew they would find on plants in the morning.


Step 3: Alarming behaviour to watch for

First time human baby owners often overlook subtle behavioural disorders that occur due to their ignorance on the subject.



When raising a baby human, be sure to be vigilant of the following behavioural disorders:


  • Hood’ display: When determining hierarchy in the home, the baby human will often ‘blow out’ its hood by extending a bone-like structure covering the surrounding flap of skin. This can also be used as a defensive gesture when the baby human is startled. Calm the baby human down with a few small mice and a selection of ‘gutloaded’ crickets. Be sure that the crickets are not fed poisonous greens though, as this may result in uncomfortable stool
  • Head Bobbing: This is a dominance display. The baby human seems to be saying, ‘You wanna piece of me? Eh? Puto?’ Do not be alarmed by this behaviour, but do arm yourself with a sharp stick just in case.
  • Arm Waving: This is a submissive gesture in recognition to the dominant male, which should always be the father until the baby human has reached full maturity and shed its carapace for the last time.


By following these three simple steps you should experience many years of enjoyment with your baby human after which time it is highly advised to rerelease them into the wild where they can follow successful careers as lawyers, accountants, life insurance salesmen or PR consultants.



How To Deal With A Dick Cupcake – a Lesson For Guys

Sometimes in life, you come back from a meeting, everything is cool, everything is going well, you’re having a great day and you get to your desk and next thing you know BAM! dick cupcake.



The thing about dick cupcakes is you never know when they’re going to sneak up on you and, even worse than that, you never know how to handle them.

I surprised myself today by handling what could have been a really embarrassing, awkward situation really well by doing the following two crucial things:

1) Remaining cool
2) Sticking by the ‘MAN CODE’

See, dick cupcakes are never given in a malicious way, that’s the first thing you have to keep in mind. A person will never give you a dick cupcake because they hate you or because they want to piss you off, rather, they want to see how you react to the dick cupcake, THAT’S what’s really going on.

This is why remaining cool is a must. Just think to yourself, What would Cooldog do?



First thing you must do is acknowledge the dick cupcake immediately. Don’t try and brush it aside or down-play it. You might not realise it, but everyone’s watching you to see how you react, so don’t hold back.

‘Aahhhh guys! Hahaha, who left this dick cupcake on my desk?’ was the line I went for, and it did the job perfectly.

Other lines that could work well include:

  • ‘Woah! I don’t remember leaving that dick cupcake there! Hahahaha! But seriously guys, who’s dick cupcake is this?’
  • ‘A dick cupcake! Hahahaha! Ahh you guys, you shouldn’t have!’
  • ‘Hey guys! Who wants to eat a huge dick cupcake? Cause I know a lucky guy that just found one on his desk! Hahahaha!’

Here are some lines that wouldn’t work so well:

  • Who the fuck left this dick cupcake on my desk? Huh? WHO? I’m throwing this dick cupcake THE FUCK AWAY!
  • Oh how considerate. A dick cupcake. This must be some kind of mistake though, I ordered a VAGINA cupcake. Where the hell’s my VAGINA cupcake huh? I’d eat that!
  • Oh god, a dick cupcake, oh god, I LOVE dick cupcakes, nomnomnomnom, aah, nomnomnom, tastes so good in my mouth, mmmmm…

Then of course comes the difficult question of what to do with the dick cupcake.

‘Eat it!’ The girls in my office shouted, ‘eat the dick cupcake, hahahahaha!’

Any guys reading this post please note the following: by throwing down the gauntlet of actually eating the dick cupcake in front of a room full of women, what my colleagues were doing was testing my mettle as a MAN.

No self-respecting man eats dick cupcakes. End of story. That my friends is a fact of life.



Still though, never lose sight of the fact that it’s only a joke. They want to see if you get ruffled, again, remember to keep your cool.

‘No,’ I replied in a stern, yet friendly voice, ‘I will not eat the dick cupcake. Eating dicks goes against my code as a man.’

Instantly the room fell into awed silence. Aahh yes, the CODE OF THE MAN. I could see that they had heard about it, but never seen it actually invoked in a real life situation. This was good stuff. I had their rapt attention.

‘HOWEVER,’ I said, holding a finger up to show them that this next part was important, ‘I have no qualms about eating the cupcake WITHOUT the dick.’ As I said this, I carefully removed the dick from the top of the cupcake.

‘There you go,’ I said, handing the dick to a random girl walking past ‘I’m sure you’ve had a lot more experience dealing with these kinds of things than I have.’

‘Hahahahahahahahahah!’ the girls laughed, ‘Bravo! Bravo old chap! Huzzah! How delightful! Three cheers for good ol’ SlickTiger!’

And THAT ladies and gentlemen, is how to deal with a dick cupcake.



Top Four Reasons Why Drinking An Entire Bottle Of Whisky Before Work Is A Good Idea

It’s Monday morning and I know what you’re thinking.

“Fuck” is probably it, followed shortly by, “this again.”

Well, I have good news. Thanks to a miracle remedy I recently discovered, your work days no longer have to smack of mindless repetition, bullshit meetings and faking that you enjoy the company a bunch of people you wouldn’t piss on if they were on fire.

That miracle remedy, ladies and gentlemen, is whisky. Don’t believe me? Well then, read my top four reasons why drinking an entire bottle of whisky before work is a good idea.*

Ready? Atta boy! Let’s get started!

*Note: For best results, an ENTIRE bottle must be consumed. Don’t be a pussy and stop when you’re two thirds down because you’ve gone blind, what are you? Six? MAN UP fer chrissake!

Reason #1: The drive to work will be AMAZING!

The first thing you’ll notice once you’ve chugged down the last few delicious mouthfulls of whisky is that you are more confident and capable than you’ve ever been IN YOUR LIFE!

The second thing you’ll notice is that your pants (and underpants) might need changing before you venture out into the world due to a large, warm, wet stain around your crotchal area.

Don’t let this deter you, the complete loss of bodily functions is a common side effect after drinking an entire bottle of whisky. Just make sure you sit down first before attempting to change your pants as balancing on one leg at this juncture could prove tricky.



Armed with fresh pants (and underpants) stride confidently out the house and into your car and leave for work. If you’re having trouble starting your car, run through the following checklist of questions to make sure you haven’t forgotten something:

  • Have you left the house?
  • With your car keys?
  • Are you sure it is indeed your car that you are trying to start?
  • Is your car in gear?
  • Do you remember how gears work?
  • Have you taken the handbrake off?
  • Have you reversed down the driveway, across the street and into the neighbour’s living room? If so, explain the situation away by saying you’re recovering from extensive neural surgery, and then pretend to slip into a coma

Once this checklist has been completed, you will notice that the drive to work is AMAZING!

You’ll careen at breakneck speeds along pavements, the wrong way down highways and possibly even along railway tracks. All that traffic that used to cause you unnecessary stress will magically disappear as you tail-end, side-swipe and pile-drive your way through any vehicles unfortunate enough to get in your way.



Provided you aren’t arrested and your car doesn’t explode in a blazing ball of molten steel and broken glass, you’ll arrive at work in record time, invigorated after your near brush with death and only vaguely concerned about the newspaper vendors smeared all over the front of your car.


Reason #2: You can finally get all of your issues with fellow work colleagues off your chest

Any HR person will tell you that the best way to maintain a happy and healthy work environment is to keep lines of communication open at all times.

In practice this becomes difficult to do as people don’t always take kindly to you telling them that they are big fat pathetic losers who are further down the food chain than prawn shit.

This can lead to the suppression of any number of issues that you have with fellow co-workers, which can have negative results on your performance in a team-orientated office environment.

However, after an entire bottle of whisky, voicing your concerns becomes not only easy to do, but also thoroughly enjoyable.



I’d suggest starting with junior staff members in order to practice your new found skill and then moving up the food chain and finally ending with your boss or even the CEO of the company.

Here’s another check-list of constructive comments and feedback you could give to your colleagues and co-workers in order to facilitate an open and honest forum for future discussions:

  • Your ugly! Anyone ev’r tell ya that? UGLY AND YOU SMELL! Go home! N’body likes YOU!
  • Look-ee look-ee! If it isn’t Miss ‘I jus’ got ANOTHER pr’motion! Everyone knows you’re screwin’ the boss, yeah! That’s right! EVERYONE!
  • Hey there sweetcheeks! Did I ev’r tell you you’r fuckin’ HOT? HUH? DID I? Well, you are. C’mere, gimme a hug, c’mere. I love you. I LOVE you! Hey, c’m back here!
  • Yo Boss-man! Up high! Hahaha! C’mon, loosen up ya big, dumb prick, stop bein’ such a fuckin’ homo all the time!

You’ll find all these and many, many more conversational ice-breakers come naturally after an entire bottle of whisky, so why not lighten up the atmosphere in your company and drink an entire bottle of whisky before going to work today!


Reason #3: You’ll get to go home early

After your courageous display of honesty at the work place, you can be sure that your bosses will reward you by letting you take the rest of the day off.

You can spend this time reflecting on the profound difference you have made in the lives of the people you work with, or, even better, getting started on a second bottle of whisky!


Which brings me neatly to my final reason why drinking an entire bottle of whisky before going to work is a good idea.


Reason #4: I’ll have someone to drink with

Having experienced first hand all of the reasons why drinking an entire bottle of whisky before work is a good idea, I now find myself waking up completely carefree everyday at noon without having to stress about the burden of going to work and with not a worry on my mind except my impending court date.

Which is why I urge you to try this miracle cure for all of life’s woes and when you have, come and find me!

I can be reached during the day at the Salvation Army shelter in the city centre and at the alley behind it at night where I often pull up a plastic crate with my new friends and drink varying kinds of interesting alcoholic concoctions they make from metholated spirits and shoe polish!



So don’t delay! Drink an entire bottle of whisky before work NOW and kiss your worries (and life) goodbye!



The SlickTiger Guide to Klapping Gym Boet!

As an oke with lots of mates who are also okes I can tell you straight that it’s every oke’s dream to get MASSIVE AND RIPPED and bang two hot blondes AT THE SAME TIME!

Once an oke has achieved this goal, he is happy and can spend the rest of his life sitting on the couch, drinking beer, watching sports and TELLING OTHER PEOPLE WHAT TO DO.

He has earned this right, nobody can take this right away from him and with my help you can earn this right too, but first you gotta learn the proper way to KLAP GYM BOET! or you’ll always be a loser who can’t pull hot chicks and spends friday nights at home twitting with his loser friends on the interweb.


The first step to klapping gym boet is to buy a fucking TIGHT VEST. This will intimidate your opponents in the gym and make the hot chicks there stare at you and you will be able to lift 15% heavier weights from the confidence boost it will give you.

Confidence is everything. A wise man once told me if you don’t have confidence, fuck off, and he was right.

Ideally, you want your vest to show your biceps, triceps, delts, traps, lats, pecs, but NOT NIPPLES! That’s flippin’ gay.




Everyone knows that to klap it PROPERLY in the gym you need to be as tanned AS CAN BE! Having a GREAT TAN in the gym will not only make all your muscles look RIPPED, but it will also show all the chicks checking you out that, yes, you are an outdoors kind of guy and not some gay moffie who’s scared to lie in the sun for 13 hours wearing a thong.

I went onto the internet to show you just how ripped and amazing okes look with a little bit of a tan.



The charna in the above photo has NAILED not only a flippin’ AMAZING tan, but also a hot blonde belter who probably called her friend who was also a hot blonde belter right after this picture was taken so they could bang this guy. AT THE SAME TIME!

His arm is MASSIVE and covered in veins. Fuck, I can’t look at this picture anymore. FUCK! I’m jealous…



What can I say about this charna’s AWESOME tan that would do ANY JUSTICE to him or how AWESOME he is? Look at his even, brown / orange skin tone, flippin’ HARDCORE man! Look at the clear line between his pecs – proof that this charna likes to KLAP THE GYM! AND HARD!

Such a shame about the bladdy rough chick on his left though, but I’m sure with a bit of blonde hair dye, 70 hours in the sun, 6 months in the gym and lekker big fake tits, she’d look ok. Not flippin’ hot. But ok. He could do better.



Please go back up and just look at this photo one more time. Please just do that RIGHT NOW CAUSE THIS OKE’S TAN IS MAKING ME KAK MY PANTS HIS FLIPPIN TAN IS SO AWESOME!

Look how MASSIVE AND RIPPED he is! You don’t need to tell an oke like this how to KLAP GYM BOET, he wrote the BOOK! He’s also wearing a backwards cap and sunglasses IN THE GYM, so automatically plus 40% to his confidence which means he will be able to lift 75% heavier weights!

Now THAT’S what a kief tan can do for YOU!


Step three is a crucial one, this is SERIOUS now, so PAY ATTENTION, I”M ONLY GONNA SAY THIS ONCE.

In a gym situation you are nothing, NOTHING! without your charnas. You think you can get flippin RIPPED and MASSIVE and bang two hot blonde chicks at the same time if you train by yourself? Fuck boet, are you stupid?

The okes you train with are your CHARNAS! They are your BROTHERS! They will be there for you to tell you ‘Fuck boet, you look HUGE!’ and ‘I want 5 MORE! I FLIPPIN’ WANT FIVE MORE!’ and ‘Is that a new vest? Flip boet, it really brings out the colour of your eyes.’

Without your charnas you are NOTHING! You’ll have NO ONE to shout at and NO ONE will stare at you in the gym, shaking their heads because they can’t believe how MASSIVE AND RIPPED you and your charnas are!

Look at these charnas. They obviously gym together. Look at the blonde belter the one oke is gonna bang with her best friend who is also a blonde belter as soon as she gets back from having her boobs juiced up to the max.

Flippin’ awesome.




As with most things in life, an important part of klapping gym boet is knowing when to stop. There is a time in every Gym Boy’s life when he looks at himself, RIPPED and MASSIVE in the mirror and thinks to himself ‘I can’t even wipe my own arse anymore. Have I gone too far?’

Well, I’m here to tell you the answer to that question is NO!

When is it time to stop getting MASSIVE? NEVER!

Lots of chicks will say that they ‘Don’t like a man who is too massive’, but they’re flippin’ lying cause they LOVE IT! They’re just scared of his muscles, and can we blame them? NO!

Take a look at this photo and tell me who’s going to win this ‘Who is the MASSIVEST?’ competition:



Let’s see. Is it going to be Mr ‘I look like Eddie Murphy in a red speedo’ there on the right? Or maybe Mr ‘I thought about injecting horse growth hormones but decided not to’ there in the middle?

NO! Fuck, are you stupid?! It’s going to be the FLIPPIN’ HUGE OKE on the right who’s so MASSIVE AND RIPPED his two blonde belter girlfriends have to brush his teeth for him and doctors say he won’t live past 35! KLAP IT BOET!

Do you think he’d ever be that MASSIVE AND RIPPED if he just GAVE UP?! Please man. Don’t be thick.

Here’s another example:



This oke is so massive he can just go around putting his hand on blonde belter’s boobs ALL THE TIME and they don’t even mind, in fact, they ENJOY IT because they know he could uppercut their HEADS OFF if they tried to stop him.

What a LEGEND! Any second her blonde belter friend’s going to arrive and you KNOW what’s going to happen then! Flippin’ AWESOME!

I think I’ve proved my point about step four, NEVER GIVING UP, but just to make sure, I’ll ask you one last question.

Do you think this man, this old man, could EVER! EVER! have gotten so MASSIVE AND RIPPED if he’d known when enough was enough?




The last and final step to klapping gym boet is the nutritional step, because unless you eat right and inject dangerous steroids daily, you’ll never get RIPPED CHARNA!

Eating right means eating PROTEIN ALL THE TIME, CONSTANTLY, WITHOUT EVEN STOPPING, because this way you’ll show your body that NO! You don’t need any flippin’ fat! You don’t need to store any nutrition, you’re shoving it in your face CONSTANTLY!

Injecting dangerous steroids daily means experiencing violent mood swings, possibly because of the steroids and also possibly because your cheloger is ONLY ONE INCH LONG!

But seriously boet! Come off it man! Who needs a normal-sized cheloger when you’ve got two blonde belters, one on each arm ready to BANG YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE SO MASSIVE AND RIPPED!?

Fuck man! Are you stupid?

Now go out there and KLAP SOME GYM BOET!



A Word From The Kind Folks At Nokia

January 2020
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