Posts Tagged ‘meerkats


Three Reasons why humans are dumber than animals

My girlfriend J-Rab works at a reputable animal park that shall remain nameless, where she and the other people who work there handle a number of badass animals like cheetahs and pumas, and then one or two other little critters like black-backed jackals and meerkats.

Part of her job is training students that come from as far afield as places like Canada and Germany who become friends with her (some of them) and then, 3 months later, promptly leave.



Last night was the farewell for one of these students, let’s call her Shroomgirl, which even I was a little sad about because as it turns out this girl is fucking hilarious!

To be honest, as a guy I very seldom find girls funny. Sure, sometimes the way they tell stories and jokes is cute and I laugh along so they don’t think I’m rude, but it’s very seldom that a girl will make me genuinely laugh my ass off, but Shroomgirl nailed it!

Last night she told us her three biggest ‘What the fuck?’ moments working at said animal park, irrefutable proof that humans are indeed dumber than animals.

Reason #1: Syntax, syntax, syntax

When taking a group on a tour of the park one day, Shroomgirl fielded an unintentionally sexually explicit question when one of the members of her group, on admiring a fine and majestic cheetah, asked the following gem: ‘Do the cheetahs ever get a chance to spread their legs?’



What he meant to say was ‘Do the cheetahs ever get a chance to stretch their legs’, as in, do the cheetahs ever get a chance to run around a bit. Even funnier than that was the fact that, before anyone could answer, one of the managers, Yogi Bear, jumped right in there, completely deadpan and replied, ‘No. The cheetahs here are not used for breeding purposes.’

Fail squared.

Humans:0 Animals:1

Reason #2: Dirty-talking cheetah style

Another time, Shroomgirl was with a group that had some randoms and a dude in his 20s and his girlfriend. Now, because they’re animals (and probably also because they’re just plain bored) sometimes the cheetahs do some pretty weird shit to one another, much like humans.

On this particular day, two young males, Chobe and Felix shared a special moment when Chobe started suckling Felixes tummy while they were lying down together, right where Felixes nipples would be if he was a lady-cheetah.

Even more fucked up than that was the fact that the minute the boyfriend saw this happen, he turned to the ol’ GF and, loud enough for everyone on the tour to hear, said, ‘How about later you be Felix and I’ll be Chobe?’

And immediately everyone on the tour threw up in their mouths a little.



Humans:0 Animals:2

Reason #3: The leopard-guy

The third what the fuck moment was the best by a long way.

After just finishing an extensive tour of the entire park where Shroomgirl showed the group the entire park, starting with the cheetahs in the front, and then the other assorted animals in the back and introducing the group to every animal and telling each animal’s life story, they came to the end of the tour and when Shroomgirl asked if anyone had any questions, she was bludgeoned by this beauty:

‘Ok, so I know the front part’s for the leopards, but what’s the back for?’

Well done. The front part’s for the leopards, well done. There is not one fucking leopard in the park. And ‘what’s the back for?’ after she just showed the fucking retard every square inch of it?!

You’re a credit to the species.



Humans:0 Animals:3

I rest my case.



Valentine’s Day Post

Valentine’s Day is definitely my favourite Hallmark Holiday because it very neatly divides the world into two factions – people who are in a relationship and people who aren’t or, in layman’s terms, people who will get ass and people who wish they were getting ass.



So logically, when V-day rolls around one of two things will happen to you, (please keep in mind I’m writing this from a male perspective because, well, that’s what I am):

Thing Number One

A sudden and inexplicable panic will strike you. “Fuck!” you’ll think to yourself, “is it Valentine’s Day already?! Fuck! What the hell should I get her? No wait, screw that, why the fuck should I get her anything just because some greeting card company says so? Fuck it, I’ll just explain the retarded logic behind it all to her and suggest we just forget it this year…”

This will not end well. Your girlfriend is not stupid, she knows it’s a bullshit marketing ploy, BUT she’ll be damned if her friends are being spoilt rotten by their boyfriends while she files her nails and watches you play X-Box.



Play along. If you get it right she might reward you by inviting that friend of hers who posed in FHM once over for a threesome. Not likely, but hey, a guy can dream.

Thing Number Two

A sudden and inexplicable hatred will strike you. “Fuck!” you’ll think to yourself, “it’s Valentine’s day and I’m single – AGAIN! I hate everyone in a relationship right now! They make me want to puke! Valentine’s day makes me want to puke! Romance is shit! I’m going to a ‘fuck Valentine’s Day party’ to get wasted, I’m not even going to try to hook up with anyone I’m so pissed off! But y’know… if it happens I won’t say no… could be quite nice actually…’

For the longest time in my life I was a ‘Thing Number Two’ kinda guy, a TNT man if you will, because I have chronically bad luck when it comes to Valentine’s Day and have only spent ONE Valentine’s Day with a girlfriend.

How. Sad. Is. That?

Remember Valentine’s Day back in highschool? What a giant clusterfuck of competing adolescent egos, man-o-man! I remember slouching my way over to the school hall with my buddies with this feeling of mounting dread welling up inside me as we took our seats and our school prefects (who all got dressed up in drag for some ungodly reason) started pumping rave ‘choons’ and handing out valentines to the lucky assholes whose girlfriends / crushes had decided to make a public display of their affection.



And there the rest of us sat, our hearts full of hope, our heads bobbing like meerkats every time we thought we’d heard our names called, only to have that hope crushed into the dirt when yet again, we left the school hall empty handed and went behind the school bathrooms to smoke some heroin.

I call this the ‘Charlie Brown Scenario’ because let’s be honest, that kid’s a big, fat loser that nobody, not even the kids watching the show, ever liked. Where the fuck is his hair?! Fucking Progeria-ridden motherfucker – wear a wig for chrissakes!

Anyway, I call it the Charlie Brown Syndrome because of the fucking infuriating way he would always run up to kick the football Lucy was holding, only to be duped by the bitch, time and time again, as she pulled away at the last minute.

EVERYONE saw it coming. EVERY kid watching that show was like, ‘”Charlie Brown you fucking moron, don’t fucking fall for that sneaky little whore’s tricks! Get the fuck outta there, go! Run away! Eat some rocks you got from Halloween or something, anything!”



But the goddamn tard never listened to reason, did he? Well, I felt like that goddamn tard every time Valentine’s Day rolled around, convincing myself that this time, Lucy was going to keep her finger on that football but no, the slut never did and I left the hall with nothing but a desperate longing to burn the school to the ground.

And surprise surprise, this year’s no different. I’m stuck up here in Joburg while J-Rab is down in Stellenbosch and yes, I know it’s just a dumb fucking fabricated event to encourage mass consumerism, but I’d give anything to spend it with her.

We’ve been dating for three years in October and never spent Valentine’s Day together, but you bet your ass when that day finally comes there’ll be a fucking parade in the streets!

There’ll be all the roses in the world built up into massive, red, heart-shaped floats and hundreds of fat little dwarf dudes in togas with tiny white feathery wings on, and when we reach the city centre we’ll release a hundred thousand red and white balloons that will float toward the clouds and into jet engines everywhere.



It will be epic 😉

But until then if you, like me, are spending Valentine’s Day away from your loved one, just remember this: yes, it may be lonely and depressing and yes, there’s a good chance that you’ll feel like a big fat loser but it’s nothing, nothing a little heroin can’t fix 😉

Happy Valentine’s Day.


A Word From The Kind Folks At Nokia

May 2020