Posts Tagged ‘john edwards

11
Apr
11

The Ministerial Handbook – Our Government’s “Get Out Of Jail Free” Card

If there’s one book I’d KILL to get my hands on, it would be the Ministerial Handbook, because I can guarantee you, there’d be some pretty goddamn interesting reading in that evil little tome of indulgence sponsored by you and I, the honest tax-paying chumps of this country.

The Ministerial Handbook sets down what remuneration packages and perks ministers are allowed, can you imagine that shit? Chances are it’s only three pages long; page one is all the publishing information, page two is the title and page three just says “Go wild”.

 

 

Take our good buddy the Minister of Co-operative Governance and Traditional Affairs, Sicelo Shiceka, who looks alarmingly like Mike Tyson minus the scary face-tattoos. It has recently come to light that this crooked basterd has run up a laundry list of expenses which, according to the Sunday Times article that ran in yesterday’s paper, include:

 

  • R335 000 flying first class with his personal assistant and staying in a five-star hotel to visit his girlfriend in prison in Switzerland;
  • Another R32 000 to hire a chauffeur-driven limo for the prison visit;
  • R640000 in one year for Shiceka and a handful of staff to stay at the One & Only – of which, he admits, R280 000 was spent on him alone;
  • R55 793 for a one-night stay at the One & Only during President Jacob Zuma’s first State of the Nation address, justifying taking a sangoma with him by saying the man was his "father figure"; and
  • More than R160 000 in eight months flying 10 family members – including his estranged wife and current girlfriend – around the country at taxpayers’ expense

 

So here’s a guy who has a girlfriend in prison in Switzerland (she was taken down for a drug charge), digs flying his family around with OUR money and missions around with a sangoma who he claims is his “father figure”.

Is this guy fucking pimping or what?!

Oh, and it turns out the sangoma isn’t really a sangoma (Shiceka admitted he had no idea whether the guy is a sangoma or not) but stuck by his claim that the guy is his “father figure”. Yeah, whatever buddy we know the guy’s your personal dealer, don’t be clever.

 

 

But it’s all good in the hood yo, because apparently the Ministerial Handbook says it’s totally fine to fly your dealer around and put him up in 5 star luxury accommodation and apparently the handbook also says it’s fine to fly your extended family, including your girlfriend and estranged wife around the country at our expense too.

What a fucking sweet book! No matter how much of the honest tax payer’s money you splurge, the Ministerial Handbook has your ass covered homes, just don’t even worry about that shit, you’re a MINISTER – go wild!

And here I am scraping change out of the couch to try and cover petrol money for a road trip over Easter and this Gigantic Douche is taking my fucking tax money and blowing it on 183 flights in one year! That means every second fucking day he was flying somewhere!

 

 

I feel cheated. I want that tax money back goddamnit! Add up all his fucking expenses and reimburse us, we never signed up for this shit! I’m not working my ass off 7-5 every goddamn day to pay for a buncha freeloaders to swan around the country in 5 star luxury.

Of course, this kind of thing happens all the time here in good ol’ Saffrica , but I dunno, aren’t you guys getting fucking sick and tired of reading shit like this?

Throw the prick in jail, that’s what I say, and in the meantime anyone know where I can get my hands on a copy of the Ministerial Handbook? Something tells me it’ll be an entertaining read, right up there with the Satanic Bible and The Anarchist’s Cookbook.

-ST

11
Jan
10

I have all the answers

Guys, I have some really great news that I’d like to share with you that I think is going to really brighten up this dreary Monday, are you ready for it? Awesome, here it comes.

I have all the answers. It happened to me completely by chance, much like being bitten by a radioactive spider or getting bombarded with gamma rays. There I was, sitting at the traffic light outside our complex, waiting for it to turn green when suddenly, out of nowhere, this heavenly light started shining down on me.

 

 

I turned toward the light, and standing right there was this guy handing out pamphlets. Now usually I wouldn’t accept pamphlets handed out at the traffic light by complete strangers, but like I said, there was something about this guy, some kind of invisible force that was radiating from his core that said to me, plain as day, ‘Taaaakkkkeeeee a pamphlet, taaaaaakkkkkeeeee oooooonnnnneeeeeee…’

So I took one. And now, I have all the answers.

If you don’t mind, I’d like to quote the opening paragraph of the pamphlet ad lib, because of its awesomeness:

Prof. Mosh, Hailed As The Herbalist Of The Year In 2005 And 2006 Consecutively. He is an Astrologers, Herbalist, Healer And Researcher. He is the Proud Winner Of The Eastern Africa Herbalist Control Council Award For Life-time Achievement In Astrology And Herbal Healing. He is the current leader of the grand ancestral shrine which has been in existence since 1820 as a source of the most powerful unseen forces. he has solved many mysterious issues by using the invisible powers. He’s regards by many as one of the greatest healer on the planet today.

I couldn’t believe my luck! ‘The greatest healer on the planet today’ practising right here, In Joburg! No. Fucking. Way.

But wait, it gets better. After that comes a list of no less than 19 different superpowers that this guy possesses. Nineteen! Not even Peter Petrelli has that many superpowers, what a legend!

 

 

Here are some of the ones that really stood out for me:

1. Read and tell all your problems before you even mention them to him
5. Remove the black spot in your hand that keeps taking your money away
6. Find out why you are not progressing in life and solution
9. Ensure excellent school grades even for children with mental disabilities
10. Bring you to see your enemies and make demands on them using a mirror
14. Heal women problems of barrenness, disturbing menstruation, Abnormally long pregnancies, etc.

How the hell is that?! This guy can do anything guys. I mean, he is the current leader of the grand ancestral shrine, there’s nothing that can stop this dude.

Personally I was blown away by number 5 because I always wandered what the hell that black spot in my hand was all about and now I know, it’s been stealing my money! Naughty black spot!

What’s even better is the paragraph that follows his list of superpowers. I hope you’re sitting down for this.

Prophet Mosh is known to bless, capture, heal, pray and Show your past, future and right friends from just a mirror He has the power to sit on a crocodile & lion skin While floating on water & communicating with the dead

Just read that part again carefully. That’s a whole other level of multitasking. Fuck, I’d pay R200 to see that – sitting on both a crocodile and lion skin while floating on water and communicating with the dead! Ka-Pow! There goes my mind.

 

 

Why had I never heard of this guy before? I mean shit, a guy this powerful could have taken over the entire world by now, what a badass!

And all he needs is R200 for a consultation, ‘your surname, date of birth & 1 candle’. A modest fee if I ever heard one.

This is powerful stuff right here guys and so, for a limited time only, I am opening up this site to you, my faithful readers to please (for a negligible admin fee) post your troubles and hardship in the comments section and I will communicate with Prophet Mosh himself, who will in turn communicate with the dead, and bada bing, bada bang, using the invisible powers, we will solve your problems and ensure everlasting happiness and pleasures.

I’m here for you guys. Me and my new buddy, Prophet Mosh, who has offices in ‘North Gate, Coca Cola Doom, Randburg, Malibongwe Drive & Melville Montgomery Park’ (so yeah, add ‘master of cloning himself’ to his list of superpowers) are gonna make your life flippin’ sweet!

Don’t delay! Post your troubles and worries now and by tomorrow, they will all be gone. This is not some ‘Crossing Over With John Edwards’ bullshit that you see on TV, this is the real deal!

I have all the answers guys, and soon you will too.

Easy as pie 😉

-ST




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