Posts Tagged ‘easter

11
Apr
11

The Ministerial Handbook – Our Government’s “Get Out Of Jail Free” Card

If there’s one book I’d KILL to get my hands on, it would be the Ministerial Handbook, because I can guarantee you, there’d be some pretty goddamn interesting reading in that evil little tome of indulgence sponsored by you and I, the honest tax-paying chumps of this country.

The Ministerial Handbook sets down what remuneration packages and perks ministers are allowed, can you imagine that shit? Chances are it’s only three pages long; page one is all the publishing information, page two is the title and page three just says “Go wild”.

 

 

Take our good buddy the Minister of Co-operative Governance and Traditional Affairs, Sicelo Shiceka, who looks alarmingly like Mike Tyson minus the scary face-tattoos. It has recently come to light that this crooked basterd has run up a laundry list of expenses which, according to the Sunday Times article that ran in yesterday’s paper, include:

 

  • R335 000 flying first class with his personal assistant and staying in a five-star hotel to visit his girlfriend in prison in Switzerland;
  • Another R32 000 to hire a chauffeur-driven limo for the prison visit;
  • R640000 in one year for Shiceka and a handful of staff to stay at the One & Only – of which, he admits, R280 000 was spent on him alone;
  • R55 793 for a one-night stay at the One & Only during President Jacob Zuma’s first State of the Nation address, justifying taking a sangoma with him by saying the man was his "father figure"; and
  • More than R160 000 in eight months flying 10 family members – including his estranged wife and current girlfriend – around the country at taxpayers’ expense

 

So here’s a guy who has a girlfriend in prison in Switzerland (she was taken down for a drug charge), digs flying his family around with OUR money and missions around with a sangoma who he claims is his “father figure”.

Is this guy fucking pimping or what?!

Oh, and it turns out the sangoma isn’t really a sangoma (Shiceka admitted he had no idea whether the guy is a sangoma or not) but stuck by his claim that the guy is his “father figure”. Yeah, whatever buddy we know the guy’s your personal dealer, don’t be clever.

 

 

But it’s all good in the hood yo, because apparently the Ministerial Handbook says it’s totally fine to fly your dealer around and put him up in 5 star luxury accommodation and apparently the handbook also says it’s fine to fly your extended family, including your girlfriend and estranged wife around the country at our expense too.

What a fucking sweet book! No matter how much of the honest tax payer’s money you splurge, the Ministerial Handbook has your ass covered homes, just don’t even worry about that shit, you’re a MINISTER – go wild!

And here I am scraping change out of the couch to try and cover petrol money for a road trip over Easter and this Gigantic Douche is taking my fucking tax money and blowing it on 183 flights in one year! That means every second fucking day he was flying somewhere!

 

 

I feel cheated. I want that tax money back goddamnit! Add up all his fucking expenses and reimburse us, we never signed up for this shit! I’m not working my ass off 7-5 every goddamn day to pay for a buncha freeloaders to swan around the country in 5 star luxury.

Of course, this kind of thing happens all the time here in good ol’ Saffrica , but I dunno, aren’t you guys getting fucking sick and tired of reading shit like this?

Throw the prick in jail, that’s what I say, and in the meantime anyone know where I can get my hands on a copy of the Ministerial Handbook? Something tells me it’ll be an entertaining read, right up there with the Satanic Bible and The Anarchist’s Cookbook.

-ST

01
Apr
10

Dead Chocolate Jesus

Easter. Who’s idea was that anyway? Of all the weird-ass pseudo-religious celebrations that happen, it’s got to be the weirdest by a long fucking way right?

The son of God gets tortured, nailed to a cross, fucking stabbed and left to die, then comes back from the dead three days later like some kind of zombie and we celebrate that fact by eating chocolate rabbits and chickens and marshmallow eggs?

Whatever drugs the person who cooked up Easter was on, I want some.

 

 

As a kid I did the whole go to church thing with my parents where I jiggled in my seat a lot and counted down the minutes to when I could finally go back home and eat some more goddamn chocolate goddamnit!

Once at Easter lunch, a distant relative, who was also a reborn Christian (stop reading this if you’re a reborn Christian, this is not the place for you, take your church band somewhere else) explained to us kiddies why Easter eggs are hollow inside.

‘Easter eggs are hollow inside,’ she told us with a big creepy smile on her face, ‘because it SYMBOLISES how when they opened JESUS’ TOMB, they found it EMPTY!’

Really? My nine-year old mind said (even back then I was sceptical of reborns).

‘So would Jesus be inside Easter eggs if they didn’t find the tomb empty?’ I asked, pure and innocent as the driven snow.

‘Why, I don’t know! Maybe!’ she said and then laughed for some unknown reason.

‘Ew!’ I said, ‘I don’t think anyone would eat Easter eggs if there was a dead chocolate Jesus in them.’

 

 

Yeah. How about that? Nine fucking years old.

Pity I only got dumber with time.

****TIME PASSES****

The administrators of this site would like to apologise on Slick’s behalf as he was unable to finish this post. Jesus, or possibly a reborn Christian, or SOMEONE, decided to smite ol’ Slick for his blasphemy and sent a minion from hell to break into Slick’s car and steal his GPS yesterday.

Hence he had to spend this morning running around trying furiously to get his window fixed before the long weekend, only to arrive back to an unresponsive laptop that was more interested in crashing than actually letting him write a goddamn blog post.

But yeah, he says happy Easter if he doesn’t get to post again.

Now go eat some chocolate and think about what would have happened if they found Jesus.

-The Site Administrator




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