It’s a well-known fact that if a man goes without sex for long enough, he starts seriously considering starting a metal band.
It’s either that or self-destruct in a testosterone-fuelled explosion that could level an entire city block.
Instead, for the good of mankind he starts wearing black T-shirts, black nail polish, gets a whole bunch of tattoos he’s definitely going to regret the day he starts getting regular sex and finds other men who can’t get laid to start a band that, ironically, plays music that limits their chances of getting laid even more.
I am of course generalising here, but to me there’s always been something about metal that stinks of frustration and desperation. I speak from experience here because between in my early teens I LOVED metal which, believe it or not, was also a time in my life when I would have literally given a toe to get laid.
Coincidence? I don’t fucking think so.
But, as any decent metal band will tell you, it’s not enough to just belt out insanely fast metal accompanied by guttural roaring while everyone in the band whips their long, dirty hair around in a slow spin cycle like some kind of washing machine from hell.
You also need a fucking evil name AND it must be written in the most retarded way possible so that it’s basically impossible to read.
I found some great examples of this on a flyer I randomly picked up at Mercury about a month back, so with no further ado, I present to you THE FRIDAY METAL BAND NAME CHALLENGE, GGGGWWWWWWAAAAAAAAARRARARARARARGHGHRGAHGHGH!
The first one’s piss easy. These guys really could have tried a little harder, let’s be honest. Despite the slightly confusing way the letters are mashed together, we can still clearly make out both the vowels and consonants and though the spacing between words is a total mess I think it’s pretty safe to say that this band is called “A Walk With The Wicked”.
Sorry guys, but more effort is needed with his one I’m afraid. All in all I give this band name a 4/10.
On to contestant number two!
Beautiful. Just have a look at that one again. Impressive work. See the way they’ve totally fucked all the letters up so that the band name makes “angry eyes”? This kind of name makes other metal bands quake in terror while the rest of us wonder what the fuck a “Suiderbeez” is.
That’s what I’m getting from this – Suiderbeez. Anyone else care to hazard a guess? Maybe Zuiderbeez?
“Zuiderzee” was a shallow bay of the North Sea in the northwest of the Netherlands, but I’m pretty sure the second angry eye is a malformed “b”, but yeah, I could be wrong…
Either way, these guys have done a bang up job. Their band name looks evil, angry and is damn near unreadable – I give this one a solid 8/10. Bang up job guys.
Now prepare yourselves for the motherfuckin’ UNHOLY MESS that is motherfuckin’ band name number three MOTHERFUCKERS!
I really hope you were sitting down for that, cause these guys smashed this one right out of the fucking park!
What is going on here? Seriously, can anyone please tell me what that fucking word says?! Every goddamn letter looks like an “H”. The best I got is “Heateast”? Or maybe “Fighthens”? Fuck, that must be it! “Fight Hens!” Makes perfect sense! Don’t take any shit from those egg-laying little bitches – FIGHT HENS!
Anyone else got any ideas? Cause I’m fresh out…
In a way I guess it’s quite smart marketing for the band because this way I might actually be persuaded to catch a live show just to find out what the hell they are called. What did the English language ever do to them that made them so angry they had to write their band name in the “Church Of Satan On Crack” font?
These guys get a 10/10. Actually fuck it, they get an 11/10 because fonts like that don’t just appear out of nowhere, it takes countless hours of praying to Satan to get that shit right.
And that brings us to the end of the Friday Metal Band Name Challenge. Feel free to submit more if you feel they can live up to the epic standard set by Fight Hens and have yourselves a killer weekend