Archive for May, 2011

31
May
11

Brotips – words to live by

People who follow me on Twitter might have been a little confused a few weeks back when I randomly started sprouting profound wisdom in the form of “Brotips”.

When I discovered this website I felt pretty much exactly like Moses must have when he came stumbling down the mountain with those gigantic stone slabs of rules and stuff that God gave him.

 

 

I have all the answers guys and no, this isn’t like the time that guy gave me that pamphlet by the robot, this shit is flippin legit!

Brotips is basically a goldmine of advice about life that is funny, poignant, and bizarrely profound without being lame or shit in any way.

Brotips range from the relatively obscure (“someone has to eat the last slice of pizza. be rad enough to deserve it, but bro enough to turn it down”) to bastardised quotes from famous people (“’anyone who has never fucked up never tried to do something rad’ – Albert Brostein”) to badass relationship advice (“getting angry at people because they won’t date you gives them another reason not to date you”).

 

 

There’s really nothing that Brotips doesn’t cover and it’s growing by the minute. Every day brings at least another 5 new Brotips so even though the site was launched in April (from what I can tell) there are already 650 tips up there.

Be one of the first to tell your Bros about the site and remember, “being a real bro to someone means you aren’t afraid to smack some sense into them if necessary”.

THEM’S fightin’ words Winking smile

-ST

30
May
11

The Tiger’s Top 5 Music Cardinal Sins

Let me kick this one off by admitting that yes, I’m a music snob. I’ve been one since I was about 11 or 12 years old and the older I get the worse it becomes. I am fully aware and comfortable with that fact, it’s never going to change because I’m never going to try and change it and here’s why.

I judge people openly when it comes to music because it’s such a powerful force in my life that it’s like a fucking religion to me. Forget heaven or hell or Jesus or Krishna or Brahman or Satan or God or Santa and the Tooth Fairy. They may or may not exist and I couldn’t really care one way or the other because in music I’ve found a higher power that accepts me for who I am whether I’m wretched and seeped in sin or rolling holy and righteous without a goddamn care in the world.

 

 

To say it puzzles me when I meet people that are completely indifferent to music would be a gigantic understatement. I’ll never say it openly because I learned back when I was a kid that no one likes having someone else’s opinion rammed up their butt, but when I meet people that say or do one of the following things my estimation of them immediately plummets to the same level I reserve for people who’s biological parents are blood relatives.

 

THING NO.1 – We’ve just met, I ask you what music you’re into and you shrug and reply, “Oh, I dunno, anything really…”

It baffles me how many people say this, especially girls. There are a number of reasons people say this about music, namely:

  • They don’t want to say something you might think sounds stupid so they’re going to sit on the fence on this one and hope for the best. Get off the fence. Admit to your love of Norwegian Folk Metal, fly that flag brother! I’d rather hear ANYTHING than the sentence in bold underlining above.
  • They’re drawing a total blank. This happens, just breathe and try to calm down a little, I’m not going to bite your head off if you say you’re into someone I think is shit. You can listen to whatever the hell you want… except Nickleback.
  • They honestly don’t give a rat’s ass what’s playing. They will listen to commercial radio stations like 5FM every day of their lives from the minute they wake up until the minute they arrive back home after work and not even notice when the same song gets repeated 6 times in as many hours. I mean fuck’s sake! I don’t even listen to the songs I like six times a day because by day two I’d be bored to tears of it. These people cannot be saved. Their favourite movie of all time is Mr Bones. Just… give up.

 

THING NO.2 – People who describe music that is even slightly down-tempo or sad as “slit-your-wrists music”

I can’t tell you how much this infuriates me. People who expect music to have the same effect as Prozac are, nine times out of ten, terminally boring human beings.

A perfect example of this actually happened to me recently when I was copying some music over to a friend’s laptop who is totally clueless about music (some gems while I was copying the stuff over were “Foo Fighters? What do they sing?” and “Oh Green Day, I like them! Can you give me the first album, the one with American Idiot on it…”).

Her friend, the music expert, was sitting with us, advising her what to copy and what not to copy when we came across Ben Harper.

“Ben Harper?” she said, “Who’s he?”

“He’s a bit like Jack Johnson,” I replied, “they actually tour together quite a lot.”

“Yeah, but it’s real ‘slit-your-wrists music’”, the expert chirped in.

“It is, but unfortunately all my ‘High School Musical’ stuff is on my other drive, sorry,” I replied in my head.

 

 

Walk away son, walk away.

THING NO.3 – People who pull you aside to play you a song that sounds like utter crap and then ask you what you think about it

Bonus points if they give you their greasy earplugs to put in your ear and double bonus points if they know what you’re into and are deliberately playing you something they know you’ll hate in some misguided effort to try and reprogram your musical taste.

For these people, music is an argument that they must win at all costs. If you do not like the music they do, they will make you like it or they will die trying.

Despite what you might think, while I am a music snob, I am not one of these people. You listen to whatever the hell you want to listen to, I’m totally fine with that. Just don’t make me listen to it, respect the fact that our tastes are different and let’s both just carry on with our lives shall we?

THING NO.4 – People who only buy “Best Of” or compilation albums

Why the fucking fuck would you ever want to buy a compilation album, ever? So you can hear the same old songs that artist has had playing on the radio for the last God-knows-how-many years all over again?

Here’s a crazy question: What if you actually stepped WAY out on a limb and bought the album that one or two of those songs appeared on? And here’s another wild thought: What if you found that your favourite track wasn’t actually one of the ones that gets played on the radio all the time?

Why, that song would become “your” song in a way that the one that everyone knows and loves never could. It would have a special meaning to you and who knows? Maybe one day you’ll meet someone else who also fucking loves that song and you’ll instantly share a connection that is actually meaningful.

You know what my favourite Beatles song is? I’ll give you a clue, it’s not “Hey Jude”, it’s not “Yellow Submarine” and it’s sure as shit not “Yesterday”.

It’s “Rocky Raccoon” because it’s a story about a guy who’s lady runs off with a total jerk so he goes to kill the guy and ends up getting shot by the dude instead. Then this drunk doctor fixes him up and he just kinda carries on with his life.

 

 

Poetry I tells ya! Winking smile

THING NO.5 – Playlist Trolls

They lurk in corners at parties and wait until no one’s looking so they can hijack the playlist and make it their bitch.

They won’t relinquish power, take requests or play anything that has any merit whatsoever.

Expect Vanilla Ice. Expect Abba. Expect “Bohemian Rhapsody” at full volume. Expect Mr fucking Jones. Expect Rod Stewart. And just when you think things couldn’t possibly get any worse, expect “Barbie Girl” or fucking Whigfield being blasted at you until your skull implodes.

What’s worse is they’ll play the same kak song three times, occasionally back-to-back just so you can get an intimate insight into what their hellishly mediocre lives must be like.

If you’re a person who is guilty of any of the sins listed above, there is good news. I’m offering free lobotomies all week to help you overcome these terrible afflictions, just hit me on tellthetiger@gmail.com and Uncle Slick will make everything better or your money back! Winking smile

-ST

27
May
11

Baby Shrapnel Gets The Tiger Stamp Of Approval

As a prolific South African blogger, I’m pretty much swamped on a daily basis with emails from my readers, most of which feature pics of charnas (or belters) who are MASSIVE & RIPPED because, you know, I wrote the whole ‘Klap Gym’ thing and that’s pretty much all I’m known for.

“SlickTiger? You mean the oke who wrote Klap Gym Boet? Fuck I LOVE that oke’s blog!”

“Really? You don’t say. So what’s your favourite post?”

“Klap Gym Boet!”

“Huh. And your second favourite?”

“Ektually, that’s all I’ve read hey?”

That’s all he’s read. That, the TV Guide and the fucking menu at Spur are what he considers ‘high quality literature’. Klap it boet.

 

 

So I get this email from a dude who calls himself “Josh” the other day with a YouTube link to the first episode of an animated show his mates put together called Baby Shrapnel.

So, having nothing better to do, I watched the first episode and actually found myself sniggering at some of the jokes which provoked me to dig a little deeper and man-o-man did I find some awesome, fucked up shit.

There’s an ENTIRE SEASON of this, ten episodes, and it’s basically the crappest show I’ve ever seen, but fuck me it’s funny.

The overriding impression I get from the show is that creators Hugh Upsher and Graeme Barnes couldn’t really care less if anyone actually likes / relates to / watches the show and the result is a collection of some of the most random content I’ve ever had the pleasure of watching.

 

 

Most of the show is a badly animated dude sitting on a couch with a sock puppet on his hand making random observations about everything from car guards to hipster beards to plasters for black people, sandwiched between hilarious rip offs of the ads we love to hate and badly animated skits that are flush with toilet humour (yes, that just happened) and more atrocious animation.

Here’s episode 9 to give you an idea of what the show’s like. I’d highly recommend checking out more here if you like it.

 

 

Have a killer weekend party people. I’ll catch you crazy kids on Monday Winking smile

-ST

26
May
11

SlickTiger Rocks The Xbox Kinect (week2)

Today is exactly two weeks since I hooked up my Xbox review unit with the Kinect sensor and started jamming the three games that came with it (Kinect Adventures, Dance Central and Kinect Sports) and to be perfectly honest, the novelty is starting to wear off.

In the beginning I raced home to fire up the Xbox and get my game on, anxious to get stuck into a mean 100m sprint in Kinect Sports or unlock the next difficulty level in Kinect Adventures, and lemme tell you, you can work up a mean sweat playing those games, its a far more intense gaming experience that the Wii is but that’s exactly the problem.

 

 

I got over all the effort involved. Sometimes you just want to sit on your ass and mash a controller like there’s no tomorrow. All the running / jumping / ducking / throwing / retarded dancing just gets a bit much.

When coming home from work I’d think to myself Ok, I could spend the next few hours exerting a lot of energy I don’t have right now playing Kinect games OR I could sprawl on the couch, drink a beer and do fuck-all… Tricky one…

Either that, or if I did have the energy, I’d just go to gym, klap some cardio and weights and leave feeling like I’d actually had a solid workout.

The Kinect games I’ve been playing require just enough effort to be tiresome when you’re not in the mood, but when you are in the mood, playing them doesn’t leave you feeling like you’re getting stronger or fitter in any way, which kinda begs the question, what market are they aiming for here?

The ‘casual gamer’ was a term that started getting some mainstream coverage when the Wii first landed, because that’s who Nintendo defined their target market as. In other words, regular folk who don’t game until their eyes bleed but wouldn’t mind a spot of Wii tennis with some friends if their picnic / social badminton league got cancelled.

 

 

Nintendo got it right because Wiis were priced lower that Xboxes or PS3s and so casual gamers thought ‘Why not? Sounds like a lark!’

But would they do the same for an Xbox / Kinect system that’s priced R2 700 more than a Wii? (According to www.take2.co.za where a new Wii is R1 599 and a new Xbox with 250Gb hard drive and Kinect sensor is R4 299)

Yeah, don’t hold your breath on that one. If you’re going to fork out that kind of money for a console, you’re probably a serious gamer and no serious gamer is going to jump around like a fairy playing Kinect games when there’s the promise of serious violence, bloodshed and murder to be had in games like Gears Of War or Call Of Duty.

Sure, it represents a major break-through in controller-less gaming, but what was so bad about controllers anyway? It’s a noble effort to get gamers off the couch and doing something healthy for a change, but let’s be honest – those fat bastards aren’t going anywhere.

 

 

Oh, and one last thing. Remember when I said that the Kinect takes pictures of you while you game? Yeah, well good luck getting your hands on them! I tried to track mine down so I could post a few to liven up this review, but was told by the kind folks that lent me the Xbox to review that the only way to do that was by connecting your Xbox to the internet and visiting https://kinectshare.com/.

I asked if I could connect using a 3G card and was told that you can, but you have to plug your Xbox into your PC via an Ethernet cable, configure a whole bunch of settings, plug your 3G modem into the PC, connect the normal way and then test the connection on the Xbox.

Obviously none of this worked, but I used my brain to figure out the glitches and an hour later actually got the Xbox to connect via the 3G modem plugged into my laptop.

Then I had to wait for another 30 mins while the Xbox downloaded 100MB of updates, after which I went through the whole mission of setting up an Xbox Live account and FINALLY when that was done, I was ready to get the pics off https://kinectshare.com/ using the… Xbox… internet… um…?

 

 

Great. So what the fuck am I looking for here? Internet Explorer? How exactly do I get to the site https://kinectshare.com/ using an Xbox? I asked Google and it told me to download some kind of fucking third party browser that only works if your machine’s been chipped which was a fat lot of fucking good.

Some other forum I read said you can use the Windows Media Centre feature on the Xbox to browse the internet, so I tried that too and 30 minutes later, after jumping through God-knows-how-many hoops to get my Xbox talking to my PC so I could configure the media centre I get a fucking message that’s so awesome you can’t even take a screen grab of it (they all turned out black) that basically says:

Go fuck yourself.

 

 

It’s now nearly twelve o’clock at night. I’ve been trying to get those fucking pics of me dancing around like a poof off the Kinect for the last four hours and truth be told, I no longer give a shit.

For my last week with the Xbox, I’m begging, borrowing and stealing games from my buddies where I get to sit on the couch and KILL THINGS. I’ll leave all the girly dancing up to the girls I work with when I bring the Kinect in to work tomorrow for a ‘games evening’ we’ve arranged after work.

And this time around you bet your ass I’ll be taking the pics with my trusty N8 rather than have to rely on the imaginary ones the Kinect may or may not have been taking.

-ST

25
May
11

Awesome Stray Cat Recipe

So yeah.

As you may have read in my posts here and here, J-Rab and I are struggling a bit at the moment to make ends meet.

It’s sad really, when I consider how much I fucking hate poor people, that I ironically seem to have become one.

There was a time when I couldn’t decide whether to blow my extra cash on extravagant trips overseas to exotic locales or invest it in prime beach-front real estate, it was a tough call and really used to stress me out.

 

 

Well, I’m glad to say that those stressful days are over. Now I scrape every cent I have together to just try make rent every month and beg the rest from kind people at the intersection of Roeland and Buitenkant.

However, you’ll be pleased to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel now that I have discovered one of the best kept secrets in affordable cuisine – stray cats!

The idea came to me when I stumbled on the vacant lot behind the Waterfront R10 parking one evening, right as the animal rescue people arrived to feed the literally thousands of stray cats that live there.

 

 

Naturally I begged to be fed some of the delicious cat food as well, not because I’m turning into a fokken prawn, but rather because it sure as hell beats eating YOUR week-old garbage.

The animal shelter people turned their noses up in disgust when I approached them and refused to make eye contact when I humbly asked for some delicious, crunchy dry cat food to get me through the night.

It was a new low for me and for a moment I hated those lucky stray cats, but the moment soon passed because like me, they were loveable in a mangy sort of way and they smelled delicious!

I lured one of them back to my flat with a brick and a plastic bag I fished out of a dumpster and got to work preparing this awesome, cost-effective meal:

 

Stray cat and lentil soup

 

 

Ingredients:

1 x Stray cat (tabbies work best, but failing that a nice ginger cat will do. For God’s sake DON’T go for a Siamese, they have a very low meat:bone ratio)
1 x Chicken stock cube
1 x Bag of red lentils
50g shredded ginger
1 x lemon (squeezed)
1 x bottle of Old Brown’s Sherry

Method:

Dice cat-meat into small cubes and soak in half a bottle of Old Brown’s Sherry to disinfect and flavour it while you drink the other half of the bottle to keep warm.

Boil up a pot of water, add the lentils and chicken stock cube and allow it to simmer for 40 mins. Add the cat meat right after along with the ginger and juice from the lemon and allow to simmer for as long as your relentless hunger will allow.

Ladle the soup into a tin bowl and slurp it down, making sure to dribble some into your matted beard for a snack later.

Et voila!

A word of warning though, I got first dibs on the cats behind the Waterfront. If I catch any of you greasy basterds down there helping yourselves to my stash, so help me God, I’ll jab a rusty screwdriver in you faster than you can shout “Help! A bergie’s trying to kill me!”

 

 

Ain’t life peachy.

-ST

24
May
11

Treefiddy Review: King Willow – Introductions and Demonstrations

The Down Lizzo:

King Willow is the sickest band you’ve never heard and I’d say it’s high time you did something about that.

This frighteningly talented 3-piece are based in London, but two of the members (guitarist, vocalist and frontman Matthew Schönborn and bassist Darren Beukes) are born and bred Saffas, though listening to them you’d never think it.

 

 

Take The Mars Volta, mash their intricate staccato melodies with the heavy-as-fuck, blunt force of Deftones’, wrap it up in a multi-layered soundscape of Muse-like synth effects and hey presto! You’re facing down the behemoth that is King Willow, and the guys did everything (except recording the drum parts) by themselves in their home studio.

 

 

How “fuck-your-cousin” sick is that!

Sick Tracks

“Foxes” twists and turns dextrously through clean, tight strumming patterns to a climactic, thick and heavy chorous riff, brought to life through sticksman Wojciech Hydzik’s staggering array of varying beats and fills.

From Beukes’ fuzzy bassline at the start, to Schönborn’s bone-chilling guttural roar in the bludgeoning chorous, “Death On A Pale Horse” kicks you square in the balls, takes it down a notch for a melodic interlude, and then kicks you square in the balls again. Listen out for the fucking amazing scream that Schönborn unleashes like a man possessed at the 3:20 mark. Goddamn beautiful.

 

 

I could go on. I could write about the eerie, whispered vocal lines and broken jack-in-the box guitar tones of “Lapdance” or the total change in pace that is the quiet resignation of “Magdalen”, but I’m fast running out of words here.

Let’s just say that there is something about every track on Introductions & Demonstrations that is either haunting, beautiful or badass.

Should You Give A Shit?

Yes, you should give a shit.

You should download the demo here, play it to your friends, play it to your enemies, and when this band is headlining at every major stadium across Europe someday, you can turn up your nose at all their screaming fans and say, “Yeah, well I knew them from when their first demo dropped…”

 

 

Kudos to the King Willow boys for one of the best demos you’re likely to hear in a long, long time.

Here’s “Death On A Pale Horse”, enjoy 😉

Final Verdict: 9/10

-ST

23
May
11

SlickTiger Industries Creates Sickest Nandos Ad Known To Man

I caught wind of this radass campaign that Nandos are running at the moment where they are shooting a whole bunch of ads that explain the “Dubious History” of their famous peri peri sauce.

They’re posting all the episodes to this site: http://howfarwillyougo.co.za/ and then giving ordinary folks like you and me the opportunity to take a stab at what happens next in the ads.

You can either write in (must be 280 characters or less) or submit a 30 second video entry and if your submission makes the top three in terms of number of votes you win an African holiday to the value of R20k!

I’m not too fussed about the holiday to be perfectly honest, I just wanted to whip out the ol’ Nokia N8 again, wear my underpants on the outside in public and shoot some crazy shit.

Here are the fruits of my labours*. If you dig this, hit http://howfarwillyougo.co.za/ads/episode-1/ and click on “like” (to the right of the video), literally takes 3 seconds.

 

You guys fucking rock. Let’s let the Tiger loose on AFRICA bitches! It’s been ages since I’ve had bilharzia!

-ST

*Disclaimer: If my ad makes absolutely no sense, it’s because I shot it before the Nandos one was uploaded onto the site and NOT because I’d smoked too much tik that day.




A Word From The Kind Folks At Nokia

May 2011
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