Archive for March, 2011


The Zombies Come On Thursdays

Just before sunrise, they come.

We hear them in the streets, moving sluggishly, bags of bottles clinking as they shuffle hopelessly through the suburbs, hungry.

They take their time, they have all the time in the world, they are dead to us.

We pretend to sleep, but we can hear them outside, rummaging. Eventually our cell phone alarms sound and we get up, make some coffee, turn on the morning news, eat a hearty breakfast, shower, change.

How different our morning routine is from theirs.

We know if we just don’t make eye contact and walk quickly and briskly to our cars, get in, start the engine and leave, chances are they won’t approach us.

But still, it’s hard not to look as they tear open our rubbish bags and start sifting through our leftovers, driven by a hunger that is unrelenting and is satisfied only by eating scraps we couldn’t manage because we ate until we were full to bursting the night before.

The zombies come on Thursdays, it’s easier to think of them that way.

Just don’t make eye contact and everything will be fine.



Josh Homme Just Got That Much More Badass

It’s no secret that I’m probably the biggest Josh Homme fan in the entire fucking world. As far as I’m concerned, the man is a genius. Every band he’s ever been a part of, right back to his days playing with the stoner rock band Kyuss, has been mind-blowingly badass.



The best way I could put it is that if my life were a movie, the soundtrack would comprise of Kyuss, Queens Of The Stone Age, Eagles Of Death Metal and Them Crooked Vultures.

I’m so obsessed with the man that not only do I have every B-side he ever recorded, but recently I even resorted to getting my hands on his wife’s music and found out that she’s a total badass too!

I present to you, Brody Dalle:



She rose to fame in the band The Distillers and is often compared to Courtney Love and PJ Harvey in terms of her vocal style. She also married Tim Armstrong, frontman of Rancid when she was 18, but divorced him 6 years later and hooked up with Homme shortly after that.

When The Distillers broke up she started working on a new project called Spinnerette and released a self-titled album with the band in 2009.

I got my hands on it recently and dig it. Partly because she has an amazing, sexy voice, but also because it sounds like a female version of Queens Of The Stone Age (the other guitarist in the band, Alain Johannes, has had a long association with Homme and wrote some of the material on Lullabies To Paralyse and Era Vulgaris).

Here’s the song that was blasting in my skull when I woke up this morning. It’s Spinnerette with “All Babes Are Wolves”.



Happy Wednesday Winking smile



ET Doesn’t Die!

J-Rab and I got to talking about ET last night which I watched once and only once back when I was about seven.

Back then I was easily frightened by anything vaguely weird or scary and so it was with great trepidation that I even watched ET in the first place because let’s face it, ET is fucking weird and ugly. He looks like a cross between a turtle without a shell and a turd that’s been left in the sun too long.



I didn’t trust that little asshole one bit. The minute he appeared on screen I was like, “What the hell IS that thing?! I don’t like it. It makes funny sounds and it looks like it’s up to something. Also, it’s ugly and it’s creeping me out.”

Of course, I changed my mind somewhat as the movie played out. Drew Barrymore seemed to like the little freakshow so he couldn’t have been all bad, except for the bit when they dress him up in drag, that didn’t sit well with me either. He looked like that cranky old granny from The Golden Girls with too much self tan and a cheap blonde wig.



Still though, I grudgingly began to like the precocious little scamp once I’d figured out that he was actually pretty harmless and despite his freakish appearance, didn’t want to kill / eat the children.

Then it got to the end of the movie and everything started going to hell. The little fucker got all sick and started turning an off-grey colour, EXACTLY like a turd left in the sun too long and right then and there I wanted nothing more to do with him.

They put the little bastard in that giant plastic tent thing and hooked him up to all those machines and he started acting all weird and freaking out so I switched off the TV, completely traumatised, and went off to play Lego and try to put the whole tortured experience behind me.



“You never watched the end of ET?!” J-Rab said as I got to this point of the story.

“Nope. It was traumatising enough watching that shifty-eyed little turd-alien go all grey and sick, actually watching him die would have pushed me straight off the edge.”

“ET doesn’t die!”


“ET doesn’t die, the kid comes back and rescues him and then they ride off on the kid’s bike and ET makes it fly and they go over the moon.”

“Really? Holy shit.”

“And then it ends when the spaceship lands and other little ET-guys come and fetch him and take him back home. ET go home!”

“Huh. And all this time I thought he just up and died and that was that.”

“No! Why would they make him the main character in a kid’s movie and then just kill him off?”

“I dunno! They killed Bambi didn’t they?”

“They killed Bambi’s mother!



“Oh yeah… so ET doesn’t die?”

“No, ET doesn’t die.”

ET doesn’t die guys. All these years I’ve been living under the false pretence that ET snuffed it, 20 years I’ve been living a lie.

And no, this doesn’t mean I’m going to watch it again. 

I still think ET’s an ugly little cross dressing creep Winking smile



The Tracy McGregor Breast Debate (NSFW!)

The new Playboy SA is on streets and men throughout the country are finally getting a good look at covergirl Tracy McGregor’s breasts.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, may I present to you Exhibit A:



Of course, 2OceansSlime already leaked this picture last week sometime and it’s been doing the rounds pretty hectically on the interwebs over the last few days, but I felt it was important to share it with you, my trusty readers, and see what your views are.

Personally I’d say they’re real, but their are legions of trolls out there that reckon they’re fake and had a whole lot of shitty things to say about this pic.

What do you guys think?



World TB Day

Guys, today is World TB Day and Lancet Laboratories are doing something pretty rad – for every 5 people that tweet the hash tag #WorldTBDay, they will donate one free sputum ZN test (TB Test) to someone who can’t afford it.

To better explain the campaign here’s a video that features a sketch artist pumping out some pretty amazing drawings in stop motion with a catchy, contemporary acoustic guitar track in the background.



I say let’s take this shit to a whole other level. I say let’s all of us nail that hash tag on Twitter at least five times today and heal the world. Make it a better place. For you and for me and the entire human race.

There are people dying. But if you care enough for the living. Make it a better place for you and for me.

You and for me.

Yoouuuu aaannnddd for meeeeeeeee.

Thank you.



Clifton Second and The Douche Parade

Monday was sick, not only because it was a public holiday, but also because we managed to get our shit together and head to the beach for what turned out to be a glorious day in the sun, sneaking red wine when no one was looking and laying in the sun, staring at the big beautiful blue sky.

We chose a spot right at the back of second beach and set up base camp, right behind some pretty innocuous looking green towels, nothing special going on there.

Then, about 15 minutes later the owners of the towels came back and turned out to be the second and third most gorgeous women on the beach (after J-Rab of course – BOOYA!).

What followed can only be described as a total feeding frenzy. One total douchebag after the next came to get in on the action with the lovely ladies in front of us, each one trying a totally different angle to win them over.

Lemme tell you, reality TV has NOTHING on watching that shit unfold in real life. Our favourites were team no.1, who approached the belters with possibly the worst line in the history of lines: “We’ve been watching you from our balcony up there for the last 30 minutes and wanted to come down and say hi.”

Congratulations. You have miraculously managed to come across as creepy, desperate AND too fucking rich for your own good in one fantastically cringe-worthy line.

It just got better from there. Here’s a pic The MAEN! snapped off his GuyPhone which shows both men perching, just like vultures, on either side of the hotties.



Had I the presence of mind, I would have definitely taken my cell phone out and documented the guy that came after them, AND the guy after that who the girls seemed to actually like (he had a cute dog though, bonus points) but to be honest, I was enjoying the wine and the sun too much to think about that.

Action was with us as well. He said that he was pretty sure one of the girls was Tanit Phoenix but who’s to say? You can’t really tell at all from this pic.

Bottom line is I felt a strange kind of liberation watching all this because there was a time when I would have been cooking up a whole lot of bullshit lines in my own head to approach girls like that whether it was on the beach or in a club, and it felt good to honestly not give a shit about that.

When you have a good woman the rest of them take a back seat and let me tell you brother, it’s like a lead blanket being lifted off your shoulders the moment you realise you’ve found something worth fighting for and it means more to you than any random piece of ass on the beach or anywhere else.

There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about how lucky I am to wake up next to J-Rab every morning and lay my head down next to hers every night. There isn’t a woman in the world that can hold a flame to that gorgeous Tigress and God knows, I love her with every fibre, cell and sinew in me.



Rebecca Black Is Everything That Is Wrong With The World

Men don’t rule the world. We haven’t for awhile now. Sometime during the 80s we began to relinquish control to women as they marched into high-powered, high-paying executive jobs with their colossal perms and shoulder pads that would make even Lord Zoltron shit his pants in mortal fear.



However, fast forward thirty years and another species has taken over completely, a species that controls the purse strings of most families whether they realise it or not. Teenage girls.

Teenage girls have taken over the world. And the result of this take over is a flood of media about superficial, surface-level bullshit that means nothing in the greater scheme, but is an incredibly efficient way to move a whole lot of consumer products that no one really needs.

And so we get to the subject of today’s post, Rebecca Black, whose new single “It’s Friday” is very possibly the worst fucking song and music video I’ve ever seen in my life.

I refuse to post the video here because it’s hard enough to get the fucking song out of my head as it is, but mosey on over to Mr Nashes site to watch the most cringe worthy performance you’re ever likely to see for as long as you live.

I hate this song and music video for a number of reasons:

1. She can’t fucking sing
2. She can’t fucking dance either
3. This song has been stuck in my head for THREE DAYS NOW, AAARARRARARARARARRAAGGHGHGHGH!
4. She has put no effort into the lyrics whatsoever, as the graph below perfectly illustrates:



5. Did I mention how catchy this trite pile of turd is?! AARARRGARGAHRAGRHGARH!

And apparently I’m not the only person that feels this way. Check out this awesome parody of this mind-numbingly crap song.



Thank you internet. I can always rely on you to fight back against the vacuous garbage the mainstream media spews out there.

And with that, I’d better get the fuck back to my day job because it’s Tuesday. Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday. And tomorrow is Wednesday and after that is –



A Word From The Kind Folks At Nokia

March 2011
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