04
Oct
10

Bubblegum On My Boots

Hahaha! I just read the fucking weirdest comment I think’s ever been posted on this site. Christ, I love the internet.

I found this one pending approval on my “About” page. I trashed the comment, but copy / pasted the text and decided to give it a post of its very own.

This one works on a couple of different levels but at face value, what we have here are some intensely passionate bubblegum Steri supporters enlisting the help of the Tiger.

 

 

Sit down for this one ok? I don’t want you surfing the internet standing up while you read this.

Are ya ready kids?

 

Dear SlickTiger

You may have heard of the Steri Flavour war that is breaking out right here in the beloved mother city. Cape Town Girl has been inundated with requests to ambassador for unofficial flavour fan clubs; we’re HUGE fans of Bubblegum and are looking for a blogger who is the epitome of what we’re all about.

Beware that Tashtober and Movember are upon us and that REAL South African boytjies, are out there cultivating some of the most hairy lip slugs ever witnesses by mankind, some so manly that would leave MacGyver feeling hopelessly inadequate. There is something magnificent about Bubblegum Steri Stumpie in the manner that it leaves a luminescent blue stain on your tongue. If you’ve been blessed with the god given talent to nurture a prodigious set of handlebars, taking a swig of the Blue Milk Magic will leave you with a mystical blue shaded tash.

You’re probably sitting down, wondering “why the fuck should I endorse some unofficial fan club for some arbitrary Steri Stumpie flavour in a war that will probably never reach my doorstep?” We can say only this, bubblegum is an underdog, we believe that we should be measured, not by the size of  12x5cm plastic container, but rather by the power of its contents to leave a sticky residue on your fur loaded upper lip. Bertrand Russell, a famous war dude, once said, “War does not determine who is right – only who is left”. Given the obvious stickiness of Bubblegum flavoured milk you will realise that long after the flavour of last nights shwarma feast has faded, the scent of a loving long street lady has paled after a morning shower, the blue stain will remain, unfaltering, everlasting reminder of your loyalty to the greatest flavoured milk to walk this crazy-ass planet of ours.

The unofficial official bubblegum steri stumpie fan club are massive fans of SlickTiger and love spending their free time reading his ludicrous blog posts, the madder the better.  Will you join us in a crusade to get people to Save the Flavour with Bubblegum Steri Stumpie?

Hugs and Kisses
The Bubblegum Flavour Savers
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Save-the-Flavour/138205386225707?ref=ts

 

A wise old man once said to me, there are two reasons why anyone does anything in this life.

The good reason.

And the real reason.

 

 

The good reason always comes first, it’s the worm on the hook, coated in a thick, slimey sheen of gooey, ego-massaging goodness. Nomnomnom…

Then comes the real reason, hard and barbed. In this case I happen to know the real reason why The Bubblegum Flavour Savers are contacting me and it’s pretty innocuous all in all, so fuck it.

If it’s help you want, it’s help you got. You guys want a platform that speaks to some crazy basterds, you got one.

There’s just one small catch…

I’m gonna need your souls. Just sign a piece of paper that says “I [insert full name that appears on birth certificate] hereby give my soul to SlickTiger for ever and ever. Amen. [Signature must follow]”.

I don’t think it’s much to ask for really. Paper and ink boys, that’s all it is. Hand over 1 x soul for each of the founding members of The Bubblegum Flavour Savers and let’s get you charnas (in)famous!

Bada bing, bada bang! 😉

-ST

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4 Responses to “Bubblegum On My Boots”


  1. 1 guitar Jon
    October 5, 2010 at 10:47 am

    Count me in!

    Although my first love is a nice cold Chocolate Steri-Stumpie,
    I cannot let there be the loss of Bubblegum flavour on my conscience.

    Long live the Steri Stumpie.

    GJ

  2. October 5, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    Order of Negotiation

    Define the objects to be traded:

    Soul:
    As these souls together form a greater being which is defined as, the Save the Flavour Bubblegum Steri Stumpie Official Unofficial Fan Club (SFBSSOUFC), better known as the Bubblegum Flavour Savers, we will refer to these souls as the COLLECTIVE SOUL.

    Famousness:
    Defined by the number of nutters who willingly jabber on about how awesome it would be to have a blue stain on their most treasured possession, the tash.
    The Bubblegum Flavour Savers propose that in return for famousness we will grant you our COLLECTIVE SOUL.

    The question now is how we quantify equal values of Soul to Famousness in order to guarantee both parties have partaken in a fair trade? i.e. ST is left screaming blue murder (see what we did there) at them dirty Bubblegum Flavour Saver scoundrels.

    We turned to our good friend the Noetic Scientist for help on this matter. He figures that souls change mass according to the level of emotion, where extreme moods have heavier souls.
    This poses an obvious problem; the more famousness received by the Bubblegum Flavour Savers would lead to extreme levels of elation resulting in an increasingly heavy COLLECTIVE SOUL.

    One would have to assume that the loser would always the one trading away the famousness, in this case ST loses.
    We as the COLLECTIVE SOUL believe in the win-win scenario and thus could not in our right minds engage in such biased business affairs.
    We thus propose that you become a victim of a Steri Drop.

    If you’re interested in continuing negotiations you can reach us at savetheflavour(at)gmail.com

    Look out for the first of Save the Flavour TV productions coming soon.

    • October 5, 2010 at 4:53 pm

      So no souls eh? But a bubblegum Steri drop instead?

      Hm. Sounds kinda lame, especially considering the fact that I can walk over to the storeroom, fold a lunchbox up, pack six bubblegum Steris in there, throw in a few badges, some tattoos, some stickers, a rosette or two, a passport, a few stamps from The Twilight Zone, The Middle Of Nowhere, etc. etc. etc. and I’m set.

      Are we starting to get a glimpse of the bigger picture yet?

      I think irony is the clear winner here folks 😉

      -ST

  3. 4 TheKeeperOfTheClippers
    October 5, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    if what is happening here is what i think is happening here this is funny as hell. Anyway, what i think is happening here and might or might not be happening here is not relevant anymore. After reading this post in the morning and consuming vast (I’m talking VAST) amounts of espresso, a mermaid clubbing seals came to me in a daydream. Between frantic swings and hissing obscenities she told me a story… nay a fable of things to come. A fable, of things to come? Surely that is a vision, a premonition? This scaly vixen of the Seven ‘ol seas was making no sense. Sure, she was on lots and lots and lots of narcotics. But the enchanting mystique of her tale elevated it to a fable, an urban legend, stories whispered in treehouses of the young, spoken of among secret societies. She told me of the legend of the Tiger Tash.. a tash to trump them all… a tash with powers beyond comprehension. Keepers of the holy clippers, said to be made of the shavings Sabretooth teeth, are blinded so they can not see the immense epicfierceness radiated by these clippers and thus no temptation to steal them shall enter their minds. Once in 111 years a chosen one is well, chosen to grow upon his lip a man-broom of mighty proportions. His man-tash shall be trimmed with the holy clippers in the style of the Tiger Tash to unleash upon the world this epic of epic lip-warmer.

    I believe it is your duty, nay, your destiny to crush the souls of these bubblygummy hippies into a powder.. a powder which you shall rub on your tash until the ancient are happy and bestow on you the clippers, the mother effing clippers of the TIGER TASH!


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