23
Dec
09

The Home Stretch

These are the twilight hours of 2009 in the office. Right now it’s only the Irish man and the Irish woman and me left.

It’s been a good year for our little company and I’ve been proud to be a part of this award-winning outfit of badass PRs. Nothing can fuck with us, there’s nothing we can’t PR, you name it, we’ll PR it and we’ll PR it well.

In other news, this is post number 91 guys, that means in another 9 fucking days we’re gonna hit post 100, hol-ee shitballs! I just used my advanced skills of a mathematician and worked out that that means post no. 100 will happen ON FUCKING NEW YEAR’S DAY!

Wow, that’s rad… except I think I’ll be so fucking wizasted I’ll be incapable of anything, possibly not even living.

 

 

I get these hangovers man, they come creeping up on me in slumber, close their evil claws around my brain, my internal organs and try squeeze the life out of me.

But I always come out tops. Slipping through the cracks, the guy who manages to just squeeze through the closing escape pod door as the spaceship explodes behind him.

I’m listening to Modest Mouse as I write this and I swear to God, ‘We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank’ is one of my all time favourite albums. Just fucking buy that album please, I’m not sure if we can stay friends until you listen to it.

 

 

In fact, I think what’s missing from this year is a post dedicated to SlickTiger’s most underrated albums of 2010. I might get onto that tomorrow. Today it’s 30 degrees outside and all I want to do is hit the open road with J-Rab, drive until we hit the coastline, strip down and jump into the ocean. Then lounge in the sun with a couple cold beers, stare at the sky awhile, think of sweet, sweet fuck all.

My Christmas shopping is about 80% complete, all that’s left to do is wrap everything, which is a total nightmare in itself.

I’m a pro at wrapping stuff up with bubble wrap. Give me 5 meters of bubble wrap and a mountain of product and I’ll work wonders, but normal wrapping paper? That shit is evil. Ask any man, he’ll tell you that getting that shit right is like trying to wrestle a pig lubed up to the max with axel grease.

It gets messy.

Also what’s fucking scary is that I’m getting glasses for Christmas from my old lady. Glasses guys. As in ‘four-eyes’ fucking ‘urkel’ god, how’d I get so old?

 

 

Actually I’m fine with getting old, as a man it’s much cooler when you get older cause you accumulate power and wealth, and therefore men have a way longer shelf life than women because of this.

Sure, there are exceptions to every rule, there are millions of women who become more powerful as they get older and are able to bag young hot guys, but they still have to be in kinda good shape. I’d wager that there are a lot more old, siff fat dudes dating 20 year-olds than the other way around.

Reason why is simple. Women are naturally attracted to powerful men because men like that offer security, wealth and a comfortable lifestyle. The uglier the guy the better in some cases because then the young hottie in question can really get her claws deep into him and control him more easily.

But I tell ya, for everyone of those young hotties that hooks up with a big fat rich older guy there’s probably a young, hot, poor dude in the wings who she’s banging. What do you think kept Europe’s royal bloodlines so strong over the centuries? It was the archers and castle guards and infantry men that the queens were shagging behind hubby’s back.

The world is governed entirely by one ruling principle and that is irony. You need to have a healthy sense of it to get by without losing your mind completely.

Laughter is all we got. You want to fight back against the tyranny and injustice of this world, learn to laugh.

I mean, even from a scientific perspective it makes sense. The world is ruled by opposing forces, we all know this – light dark, god and evil, blah, blah, blah. But we totally overlook the most powerful one, GRAVITY.

Fucking gravity, that relentless bastard, bearing down on us, working all the time, pulling us slowly toward the ground and our final resting place. It’s fitting that we bury people, it makes sense that eventually gravity drags you 6 feet under.

Morbid I know. So what’s the opposite of gravity? Levity, lightness and what’s the most powerful form of levity?

Laughter. It’s laughter. If you ain’t laughing, you ain’t living. It’s the only weapon we have.

 

 

Learn to laugh and the world will be a better place because of it.

Ok, enough philosophising from your tiger pal, I got a couple things to get done before I blow this popsicle stand for the year, but tune in tomorrow for more cu-razy shenanigans!

-ST

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