You’re out of order! no! you’re out of order! this whole court is out of order!

So lemme lay this on you, yesterday I spent from 10 in the morning all the way through to 1.30pm on a cold, hard courtroom bench which is a damn side more uncomfortable than a church bench and that’s saying a lot.

The system is a terrible beast, especially when it singles you out to account for your actions in a court of law (and not tennis. spending the day in a court of tennis would have been rad).



What happened was back in 2007 I changed lanes (when driving) and the woman in the lane to my left went into the back of me. I’d say it was 50/50 – fifty percent my fault for changing lanes a little too quickly and fifty percent hers for not watching what was going on.

So anyway, her insurance company decided to sue my insurance company and there was sweet fuck all either of us could do to stop this from happening which is the bad news, but the good news is that the insurance companies pay everything, so technically, neither of us stood to lose a single cent.

At first I thought she was suing me in her personal capacity and I was livid.

I had these weird visions of going around to her house and spray-painting rude words on her garden wall or letting her tyres down or something similar, but luckily I do possess some self control. It’s in there, the goddamn slippery eel.



And so the system processed us, extracted what it wanted and spat us back out to get on with our lives.

In my head I gave a passionate and moving speech in the courtroom about how, regardless of my or the woman I was in court with’s innocence or guilt, the whole matter should be thrown our of court because insurance companies are the spawn of the devil, a necessary evil, and I refused to be part of a system that was built on lies and hypocrisy.

Like all impassioned speeches it sounded great in my head but would have made little sense spoken out loud.

The funnest thing about court is this little part called ‘Cross Questioning’ which your opponent’s lawyer will put you through once your lawyer has questioned you. It’s awesome because your lawyer has said to you beforehand that you must say x, y BUT NOT Z!

Then your lawyer will ask you all these leading questions all polite and stuff, big smiles and really chilled out, so that you say x and y just like you practised. Then the other lawyer goes up there and basically grabs your arm behind your back and shoves it as high as he can go while he screams, ‘SAY Z YOU FUCKER, SAY Z!’

Here’s one of my favourite moments from my cross-questioning yesterday:

EVIL LAWYER: So how long did you have your indicator on for before you turned into her lane?
ME: It was about 3 seconds
EL: Aha! Three seconds!
ME: Three seconds.
EL: Wouldn’t you say that three seconds is a short amount of time to have put your indicator on for?
ME: No.
EL: Is this the normal amount of time, on average, that you put your indicator on for when you’re driving?
ME: Well, most of the time, yeah.
EL: Most of the time!
ME: Most of the time, yeah. Sometimes it’s longer, sometimes it’s five seconds. Sometimes it’s shorter.
EL: Sometimes it’s shorter? Shorter than three seconds? When is it that short?
ME: When there’s no one behind me.
EL: AHA! When there’s… no one… hm.

The Evil Lawyer then opened and closed his mouth a few times, blinked and then kind of started at me blankly.



Eat it! Eat it motherfucker!

It was exasperating and it fucked up my day and I wouldn’t recommend it. Just abide by the law, pay your taxes and don’t be a clever dick. Court is not fun and had they been suing me in my personal capacity, yesterday would not have gone well at all.

Also, brush your teeth. And always wipe twice, twice ok? One-wipe people are dirty, dirty little vagrants and I won’t have my readers engaging in that kind of behaviour.

You guys are better than that, you guys are the best.


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A Word From The Kind Folks At Nokia

November 2009


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