The Ghostbuster Approach

Last night a pretty hilarious episode ensued in the bathroom I share with my girlfriend, J-Rab which you definitely shouldn’t read if you have delicate sensibilities.

I dropped the kids off at the pool just before I went to gym and hours later, while J-Rab was in the shower in the other bathroom, I discovered that little Jimmy had elected not to go the way of his siblings, but to float defiantly in the bowl instead.


Jimmy - artistic interpretation with christmas hat

Jimmy - artistic interpretation with christmas hat


He was a cute little guy, and I guess on some level I admired his tenacity, but more than anything I wanted to get rid of him before J-Rab finished her shower.

I waved him goodbye and flushed but, predictably, the little fucker swam against the whirlpool and popped up once again, triumphant.

‘Ok you little jerk,’ I snarled, ‘it’s AWN!’

At some stage in every man’s life he’s probably had to use the ‘Bucket Method’ to get rid of an unwanted bodge, but for the benefit of my female readers (doubtful any are left at this point) I’ll explain:

The Bucket Method is when you fill a bucket with water and dump it unceremoniously in the bowl in the hope that the sudden and large volume of water displaces the offending nugget up the U-bend behind the toilet.

And so it was with great vengeance and furious anger that I employed the Bucket Method, laughing to myself manically, like a mad scientist.


Me - artistic interpretation with beaker full of LSD

Me - artistic interpretation with beaker full of LSD


But no. Jimmy was having none of that. Even after the second bucket, all I’d really managed to do was spill a lot of water on the bathroom floor. Jimmy floated on, not even his structural integrity was damaged, the little fucker.

Mild panic set in when I heard J-Rab turn the shower in the room next door. What would she think of me if she had to meet Jimmy? In my mind I watched in horror as she fell out of love with me instantly, fleeing in terror at the site of Jimmy, the tenacious turd.

And it was at about that moment that it came to me. I would employ the Ghostbuster Approach.

In the Ghostbuster movies, they weakened the ghosts first by nailing them with their guns, and then only deployed the trap thingy underneath the ghosts to suck them down.


The Ghostbuster Approach - artistic interpretation in 3D

The Ghostbuster Approach - artistic interpretation in 3D


In the same way, I would first flush the toilet to weaken Jimmy and then dump a bucket-load of water in there to finish him off.

However, time was not on my side, I heard the second bathroom door open and my mild panic became flat out panic, it was now or never. I said a silent prayer to whatever Gods may be as a bead of sweat trickled down my temple.

I reached out a trembling hand, closed my fingers around the flusher… and yanked down.

Then, with lightning fast reflexes I grabbed the bucket of water beside me and dumped it with all the force I could muster on Jimmy’s head.

‘Fucking die! You fucking die!’ I shouted at my fecal friend as he bobbed and swayed in the chaotic maelstrom I had created.

Time slowed down. J-Rab opened the bedroom door, in moments she would be in the bathroom, this was it, sink or swim, sink or swim you little ASSHOLE!

And then, thanks to the miracle of displacement, every DROP of water disappeared from the bowl… and so did Jimmy!

I breathed a heavy sigh of relief and, shaking uncontrollably, wiped the sweat from my brow.

I’d done it. Jimmy was no more and J-Rab was none the wiser, although later that night she did ask me why I kept humming the Ghostbuster’s theme tune on infinite repeat.

Because when there’s something strange in the neighbourhood…

Who you gonna call?



2 Responses to “The Ghostbuster Approach”

  1. October 22, 2009 at 10:32 am

    Sounds like you had Wanky the Shit Demon (http://www.rathergood.com/demon) living inside you for the last couple of days. That little fucker springs up out from nowhere now and again. Just when you think he’s gone for good and you’ve had all the fibre a man can ingest without his scabs becoming all-bran flakes, he reappears and reminds you that you are in fact an animal and yes, you do have to shit everyday. Even girls poo… fucking animals. 🙂

  2. October 22, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    Nailed it dude. It was definitely a WSD scenario now that I think about it. I couldn’t agree more with your comment – yes, we are in fact animals, and yes, we do need to shit everyday (sometimes twice or even three times depending how full of shit you are).

    Thanks for stopping by and do come again, sometime in the future I plan to post about the Best Shit I Ever Had, and yes, it will be epic 😉


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