It’s sad really, when I consider how much I fucking hate poor people, that I ironically seem to have become one.
There was a time when I couldn’t decide whether to blow my extra cash on extravagant trips overseas to exotic locales or invest it in prime beach-front real estate, it was a tough call and really used to stress me out.
Well, I’m glad to say that those stressful days are over. Now I scrape every cent I have together to just try make rent every month and beg the rest from kind people at the intersection of Roeland and Buitenkant.
However, you’ll be pleased to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel now that I have discovered one of the best kept secrets in affordable cuisine – stray cats!
The idea came to me when I stumbled on the vacant lot behind the Waterfront R10 parking one evening, right as the animal rescue people arrived to feed the literally thousands of stray cats that live there.
Naturally I begged to be fed some of the delicious cat food as well, not because I’m turning into a fokken prawn, but rather because it sure as hell beats eating YOUR week-old garbage.
The animal shelter people turned their noses up in disgust when I approached them and refused to make eye contact when I humbly asked for some delicious, crunchy dry cat food to get me through the night.
It was a new low for me and for a moment I hated those lucky stray cats, but the moment soon passed because like me, they were loveable in a mangy sort of way and they smelled delicious!
I lured one of them back to my flat with a brick and a plastic bag I fished out of a dumpster and got to work preparing this awesome, cost-effective meal:
Stray cat and lentil soup
1 x Stray cat (tabbies work best, but failing that a nice ginger cat will do. For God’s sake DON’T go for a Siamese, they have a very low meat:bone ratio)
1 x Chicken stock cube
1 x Bag of red lentils
50g shredded ginger
1 x lemon (squeezed)
1 x bottle of Old Brown’s Sherry
Dice cat-meat into small cubes and soak in half a bottle of Old Brown’s Sherry to disinfect and flavour it while you drink the other half of the bottle to keep warm.
Boil up a pot of water, add the lentils and chicken stock cube and allow it to simmer for 40 mins. Add the cat meat right after along with the ginger and juice from the lemon and allow to simmer for as long as your relentless hunger will allow.
Ladle the soup into a tin bowl and slurp it down, making sure to dribble some into your matted beard for a snack later.
A word of warning though, I got first dibs on the cats behind the Waterfront. If I catch any of you greasy basterds down there helping yourselves to my stash, so help me God, I’ll jab a rusty screwdriver in you faster than you can shout “Help! A bergie’s trying to kill me!”
Ain’t life peachy.