Remember that story I told you guys about when J-Rab fell down the stairs and I got all creeped out because I thought people would think I was secretly beating her and I’d get arrested and spend a good long time in prison getting nailed in the corn hole?
It’s happened again.
We went ice-skating on Saturday night and one minute everything was cool, everything was fun and we were going around and around the rink, easy peesy Japanesey.
Then I decided to up the tempo a little and start skating at an inhumanly fast pace because, well, I’m a guy and we’re retarded like that.
Poor J-Rab was skating like her life depended on it trying to keep up and basically skating on one skate at a time to get some nice momentum going when she hit a huge divot in the ice and lost her shit.
Out of the corner of my eye I just saw limbs flailing and my stomach instantly lurched as I turned my head just in time to see J-Rab literally land on her face.
I instantly lost my shit as well because going fast is easy, but stopping can be tricky when the side of the rink isn’t there to conveniently bash into.
I ended up falling too, but in a totally controlled way that involved me going into a downward-facing dog position as I used my hands to slow me down, managed to turn around and then skated straight into one of the guys trying to help her back up.
Luckily she didn’t break anything, but she got some nasty scrapes and bruises and it definitely looks like she’s been in a fight.
Wonderful. Nothing quite like the judgemental, disapproving stares of total strangers whenever we’re out in public together and they happen to glance our way.
“Fell ice skating, eh? Sure buddy, just like the time she fells down the stairs, right? We’d like you to please come with us…”
I’m thinking of creating a protective foam suit that encases J-Rab so she can just bounce off things like a marshmallow and not get so fucked up all the time.
If anyone else out there has girlfriends (or boyfriends) that are equally as clumsy I’m happy to build you one too. We’ll have to negotiate a fee of course, but when you think how many hospital bills you’ll be saving, I’m sure you’ll agree its totally worth it.