Posts Tagged ‘fhm

07
Feb
11

You Gotta Love Models

So Klap Gym Boet! went into the latest FHM which now means there’s an FHM lying around our flat which I can honestly say is the first one that’s done that in about 5 years.

Naturally I find myself gravitating towards it from time to time, mostly when I’m supposed to be doing things that actually require brainpower such as writing a blog post or boiling the kettle.

Instead I veg out on the couch and flip through the pages, marvelling at how large woman’s breasts seem to have become and thanking my lucky stars that I’m a guy and don’t have to compete with those ridiculously over-airbrushed, over-sexed and under-dressed brainless sirens.

 

 

I love the ‘what qualities do you look for in a man?’ question because they always say the same fucking thing.

“Confidence and a great sense of humour are sexy. He must also not be afraid to show his sensitive side. And he must be honest. And he must have a nice six-pack. Hahahaha!”

It’s all the same shit over and over and over again!

South African models are the worst. For the most part they are so fucking boring I’d rather push a fork through my eyeball than read an interview with them.

Take this month’s cover girl Genevieve Morton for example, who answered the following questions in the following ways:

 

  • What do you find attractive in a man? Confidence and a sense of humour
  • What do you do on your days off in New York? Browse the fresh food market with hot, non-alcoholic apple cider
  • You must have had some cool jobs since we last worked together? I spend a lot of time in Dallas working for a department store
  • Do you enjoy jogging in Central Park wearing insanely tight spandex? I got totally lost one day, so haven’t spent too much time there
  • It’s a tough country to stay in shape in, how do you resist Dunkin’ Doughnuts? Actually, when I travel I never eat the nice, tasty foods… because I am scared that I will like it too much and then not to be able to stop myself
  • What exciting career projects are you looking forward to? Finishing my degree

 

And so on and so on and so on and so on.

I’m probably not the best person to gauge these things by, but seriously, what a boring interview!

 

 

The American girls interviewed at least had some pizazz, but I’m sorry, our local girls are a buncha limp noodles. They wouldn’t know a party if it crawled up their leg and blew a bong hit their doe-eyed little faces.

That Powerbalance launch I went to when I met Roxy Louw is a great example. We went to the bar after the interview and I ordered her a tequila. No, tequila was too hectic, she’d had a bad experience (hahaha! Like anyone drinks tequila and has a good experience). So I ordered her a Jagy, no she didn’t want a Jagy either. An Apple Sour? No, not that either.

She ended up doing a shot of red wine. Then her boyfriend arrived, gave her a disapproving look and marched her off to sit in a corner with him for the rest of the night.

You gotta love models because magazines and TVs and a bazillion other forms of mass media bludgeon us with their half naked bodies and perfectly sculpted faces all the time and we sit there like cartoon wolves, tongues lolling from our heads and hearts beating through our chests and then you actually get to meet them and you know what?

The baglady down the street is more interesting.

-ST

25
Jan
11

Everybody Buy The New FHM! Do It! Do It Now!

Sources tell me it hits shelves tomorrow and hoo-wee! It’s going to be a KILLER issue because why?

Because your Tiger pal’s in it Winking smile

That’s right ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls – they ran with the “Klapping Gym Boet” piece, but they couldn’t use the awesome pics I did because some are low res and also FHM doesn’t have the rights to use them.

They used an illustrator instead who drew all these cartoony pictures to replace the originals. Does it work? Is it still as funny as the original?

You guys are going to have to be the judges here because honestly, I’ve read that piece so many times my eyes have started bleeding at the mere mention of it.

 

 

So yeah, hit CNA tomorrow buy the new FHM and let me know what you guys think. It has new material in there, two additional steps to klapping it that aren’t in the original piece and I had to tone down the swears a bit.

If you like it, do your ol’ tiger pal a favour and pop an email to FHM telling them it rocked and they should hire me.

Bada bing bada bang!

Group hug!

 

 

-ST

12
Feb
10

Valentine’s Day Post

Valentine’s Day is definitely my favourite Hallmark Holiday because it very neatly divides the world into two factions – people who are in a relationship and people who aren’t or, in layman’s terms, people who will get ass and people who wish they were getting ass.

 

 

So logically, when V-day rolls around one of two things will happen to you, (please keep in mind I’m writing this from a male perspective because, well, that’s what I am):

Thing Number One

A sudden and inexplicable panic will strike you. “Fuck!” you’ll think to yourself, “is it Valentine’s Day already?! Fuck! What the hell should I get her? No wait, screw that, why the fuck should I get her anything just because some greeting card company says so? Fuck it, I’ll just explain the retarded logic behind it all to her and suggest we just forget it this year…”

This will not end well. Your girlfriend is not stupid, she knows it’s a bullshit marketing ploy, BUT she’ll be damned if her friends are being spoilt rotten by their boyfriends while she files her nails and watches you play X-Box.

 

 

Play along. If you get it right she might reward you by inviting that friend of hers who posed in FHM once over for a threesome. Not likely, but hey, a guy can dream.

Thing Number Two

A sudden and inexplicable hatred will strike you. “Fuck!” you’ll think to yourself, “it’s Valentine’s day and I’m single – AGAIN! I hate everyone in a relationship right now! They make me want to puke! Valentine’s day makes me want to puke! Romance is shit! I’m going to a ‘fuck Valentine’s Day party’ to get wasted, I’m not even going to try to hook up with anyone I’m so pissed off! But y’know… if it happens I won’t say no… could be quite nice actually…’

For the longest time in my life I was a ‘Thing Number Two’ kinda guy, a TNT man if you will, because I have chronically bad luck when it comes to Valentine’s Day and have only spent ONE Valentine’s Day with a girlfriend.

How. Sad. Is. That?

Remember Valentine’s Day back in highschool? What a giant clusterfuck of competing adolescent egos, man-o-man! I remember slouching my way over to the school hall with my buddies with this feeling of mounting dread welling up inside me as we took our seats and our school prefects (who all got dressed up in drag for some ungodly reason) started pumping rave ‘choons’ and handing out valentines to the lucky assholes whose girlfriends / crushes had decided to make a public display of their affection.

 

 

And there the rest of us sat, our hearts full of hope, our heads bobbing like meerkats every time we thought we’d heard our names called, only to have that hope crushed into the dirt when yet again, we left the school hall empty handed and went behind the school bathrooms to smoke some heroin.

I call this the ‘Charlie Brown Scenario’ because let’s be honest, that kid’s a big, fat loser that nobody, not even the kids watching the show, ever liked. Where the fuck is his hair?! Fucking Progeria-ridden motherfucker – wear a wig for chrissakes!

Anyway, I call it the Charlie Brown Syndrome because of the fucking infuriating way he would always run up to kick the football Lucy was holding, only to be duped by the bitch, time and time again, as she pulled away at the last minute.

EVERYONE saw it coming. EVERY kid watching that show was like, ‘”Charlie Brown you fucking moron, don’t fucking fall for that sneaky little whore’s tricks! Get the fuck outta there, go! Run away! Eat some rocks you got from Halloween or something, anything!”

 

 

But the goddamn tard never listened to reason, did he? Well, I felt like that goddamn tard every time Valentine’s Day rolled around, convincing myself that this time, Lucy was going to keep her finger on that football but no, the slut never did and I left the hall with nothing but a desperate longing to burn the school to the ground.

And surprise surprise, this year’s no different. I’m stuck up here in Joburg while J-Rab is down in Stellenbosch and yes, I know it’s just a dumb fucking fabricated event to encourage mass consumerism, but I’d give anything to spend it with her.

We’ve been dating for three years in October and never spent Valentine’s Day together, but you bet your ass when that day finally comes there’ll be a fucking parade in the streets!

There’ll be all the roses in the world built up into massive, red, heart-shaped floats and hundreds of fat little dwarf dudes in togas with tiny white feathery wings on, and when we reach the city centre we’ll release a hundred thousand red and white balloons that will float toward the clouds and into jet engines everywhere.

 

 

It will be epic ;)

But until then if you, like me, are spending Valentine’s Day away from your loved one, just remember this: yes, it may be lonely and depressing and yes, there’s a good chance that you’ll feel like a big fat loser but it’s nothing, nothing a little heroin can’t fix ;)

Happy Valentine’s Day.

-ST




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