It’s been a long time in the making, but I’m finally ready to announce something pretty mindblowing that is going to feature right here, on this, the MOST ill-conceived site on the interwebs EVER.
The idea came to me in a rare moment of clarity while I was washing the dishes last night and the second it struck me, my jaw went completely slack, like a punch-drunk fighter taking a haymaker right in the FACE.
I immediately told the idea to J-Rab and she got that look on her face that is a perfect mixture of bewilderment and mild panic, which is how I knew I had NAILED IT.
So without fucking around one second further, I’m gonna lay it on you.
The next thing you read is going to be my killer idea, so just try to prepare yourself for the awesomeness ok?
Ok. Here goes.
I’m going to write an advice column. Right here. On this blog.
Every Friday I’m going to sift through the thousands and thousands of emails you guys are going to send and I’m going to pick three that need my advice the most and then I’m going to dispense that advice, GRATIS, in order to improve your lives and help you reach your true potential as the amazing human beings you are.
ANYTHING that you send me will be treated with the utmost confidentiality and under no circumstances will I reveal your identity other than the name you sign your email with, which you can of course just leave blank (the name, not the email).
I have a lot of experience when it comes to the following topics:
- Bringing your loved one to come back to you in 5 days, even after gone for a long time
- Bringing you to see your enemies through use of a mirror and making demands on them
- Dealing with women problems of abnormally long pregnancy, making vagina back to normal after birth and never stops talking
- Bringing good fortune in gambling, horse races, chicken fights, pigeon farming, mumbo jumbo
- Helping man with growing penis bigger, thicker, make love for 5 days non-stop, looking like Rambo
- Tax evasion, Barbra Streisand, Ebola virus, mustard salad, money-back guarantee!
So don’t delay! Send any problems that are making your life shit to email@example.com TODAY and fuck! I’ll make your FUCKING PROBLEMS GO THE FUCK AWAY!
So that’s firstname.lastname@example.org, email now and kiss your shitty life goodbye!